I spent the beginning of 2019 on the bridge beneath the Glico Man in the midst of a particularly rough depressive episode while Japanese men jumped into the freezing cold water of the Dotombori River. Truly one of my fonder memories in Japan. I came away from that trip to Osaka with that memory and a few other unsavory ones that made me really question the way that I was living my life. I was told some things about myself that I took as absolute truths and I spent the next few months trying to fix myself, and the next year trying to figure out what went wrong.

As the year began, I started meditating and dipped my toe into minimalism and listened to all the e-books about changing your life, which I might add, there are some really good ones (check out Jen Sincero!). But I began to realize in the midst of getting rid of half my belongings and making positive changes, that I kept trying to change myself because of what someone thought about me. While the changes themselves weren't bad, the reasoning behind them could use a little work.

The problem was that I was just a tad too determined. I have a habit of tackling things head-on, and subsequently drowning in them. I wanted to go to Japan, so I rearranged my schedule, took any classes possible for my major, took a full load of courses the summer before and added a minor or two for the classes that I couldn't add-in. The same thing happened when it came to improving my life, I tackled all of my "problems", created new habits, changed my outlook, but the problem was that this same tactic of determination didn't work in love. I could write a whole separate article about the double standard that men and women face in flirting but, I digress.

In short, it came down to really two things: you cannot make anyone love you, and no one really knows what they're doing. In all the time that I spent trying to chase someone, I realized I could have just focused my energy on myself, on my goals, on my hobbies (knitting materials were dumb cheap), and even my schoolwork.

I heard a quote this year, about a girl, who after leaving a relationship remained unchanged. I don't remember it exactly but I began to think about how you can leave a relationship with someone, platonic or not and take some things but not everything. You don't have to take everything from your time together. Nothing is forever, and sometimes you have to realize that no matter how much you care for someone, not everything they tell you is true.

It's so powerful to just trust yourself. Take a little from the relationship, think about some of the things that make you feel uncomfortable, think about if any of their advice will make you a better person and if it doesn't leave it in the past. This year I'm dedicating myself to focusing a lot more on myself and my goals. I'm not putting in the effort for anyone or anything that doesn't do the same for me.

May 2020 bring lots of new experiences, many good and not too many bad.