Stop touching my hair, no seriously stop. I never understand why people think it’s okay to just randomly touch a peron's hair. Regardless of whether we are friends or not, don’t do it. This isn’t a petting zoo; if you want to touch, you have to ask first. The fact of the matter is that is a rather touchy (excuse the pun) subject for me. I love to try new things with my hair. In the past two years alone, I have cut all my hair off, bleached it, dyed it pink, and had a purple braid bob and long gray Havana twists. And without fail, there are always a handful of people who decide that I just have to hear their negative opinions. Why? I’m still not really sure. After experiencing this one too many times, I have thought up a small list of do’s and don’ts when it comes to hair--black or otherwise.
DON’T touch someone’s hair without their explicit permission.
Just like sex, permission is required EVERY time. Do not just grab a handful of my hair. It may very well be the last thing your hand every touches. This really seems self-explanatory, do not touch what is not yours, you have no right to just touch a person; it’s rude and if it happened to you, you wouldn’t like it.
DO ask.
I love when people ask, I tend to be much more benevolent. This doesn’t mean I’ll say yes every time, but it will certainly garner you some favor for the next time. However, if I give you permission to touch my hair, DO NOT rake your hands through. This isn’t a pile of leaves, your hand will get stuck, it will hurt me and you will have messed up my perfectly coifed hairdo.
DO NOT ask me "What I’ve done to my head."
This too seems self-explanatory. For one, it’s incredibly rude. Why does it matter to you? It's really all about tone. If my hairstyle is new, chances are, I’m extremely tender about it and do not need you putting harsh thoughts in my head.
DO ask me why I chose that style.
Tone is everything. If you ask me what made me want to do a certain style in a comforting and non-judgmental tone I’ll definitely open up about it. The fact is, you don’t know. That’s why you’re asking.
DO NOT talk over me when I am explaining my hair to someone.
I can’t even count how many times people are under the impression they know more about my hair than I do. You don’t. So be quiet and let me speak. You’ll learn so much more that way. Trust me.
DO ask questions.
I LOVE when people are genuinely curious about my hair. The fact is black hair is a mystery, even to black women. So just ask. It’s okay to ask ‘stupid’ questions. Someone once asked me if my hair was sewn in to my scalp, it made me laugh. And they were got to learn something completely foreign to them.
On the topic of questions here are some questions to not ask, in any situation:
- How do you get your hair to stand up like that/be so ‘curly’?
I don’t ‘get’ it to do that. My hair is naturally like that--it grows that way. While seemingly innocent, the question tends to irritate a lot of people so try avoiding asking.
- (When I come back with braids people always ask) How did your hair grow so fast?
My hair does not grow overnight. I do not own some super fast growth serum and I don’t know anyone who does. While you may be super amazed at the drastic change most people, me included, take this question to be either scornful or willfully foolish, no one appreciates either.
- (When someone is going natural do not under any circumstances ask) Are you going to do something with your hair?
I am doing something with my hair; it’s called being natural. You are being rude, condescending and begging for me to fight you. This question should be avoided at all questions. You don’t know this but that person’s parents probably ask the same questions at least twice a week, no one wants to hear it from their friends too.
The fact is, talking about hair is hard. There’s so much to avoid and it can get really awkward really fast. This doesn’t mean to never ask, but you have to think first. Can your question be considered offensive? Is it actually out of curiosity? Is your tone conveying something you don’t want to convey? Conversations about hair are so treacherous because you can never truly tell what will offend someone. When in doubt stick to what your parents always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all." It may just save a relationship.
