As most of you know, I lost my best friend and grandmother on May 14th. I've had an extremely difficult time with the loss. I still don't know how to do daily things because I wish she was here to talk to whenever I need someone. I still don't know how I'm supposed to go back to school and not be able to call her on my way to class. Through all this, there is one major thing I wish everyone would stop doing.

Stop telling me it is going to be okay with time. Stop telling me it gets easier with time. Stop telling me I should be happy that she is no longer in pain. Stop telling me she is in a better place now. Stop telling me I will see her again someday. Stop telling me it was her time. Stop telling me it is what God wanted. Just stop.

It will never be okay with time. I will always be heartbroken over losing her. I will never wake up one day and think to myself, "It's okay that she is gone." It's not and never will be okay. I don't know how you can tell someone it gets easier because I have news for you, it doesn't. It's not going to get easier to know I won't be able to hear her voice again, see her smiling face again, feel her hugs again; not in this lifetime anyway. I'll have to wait until it's my turn to go to Heaven for those things and that could be another 70 years from now. That isn't something that goes away or gets easier with time.

Obviously I am happy my grandmother is no longer in pain. I hated seeing her so uncomfortable and in immense pain. I would never wish to see that again. But that doesn't mean I don't wish she was still here and pain free. I'm well aware that she isn't in pain. I'm aware that once she walked through heaven's gates she was no longer in pain. I still long for her to be here with us and not be in pain.

I also know that my grandma is in a better place. She's in a place we all hope to go one day. She has been reunited with her parents and two of her brothers. How could you complain about that? It doesn't cure my pain and my depression knowing that. Yes, I am happy for her but it doesn't fix my emotions. It doesn't mean that I don't miss her any less or wish she was with us instead.

I know I will see her again and I know that with everything inside of me. I know it was her time because of her battle cancer. You will never convince me it was her time to go because it still doesn't make sense to me. I know it was God's decision to take her and I know he has his reasons. I am a believer in the fact that when it is your time, it is your time. God had his reasons for giving such a loving person such a nasty disease. But as I said, I will not try to pretend like I understand. I will not try to pretend it doesn't hurt me with every fiber of my being. It hurts like hell. But, I'm sorry to say that your words do not comfort me. Don't take it personally, not much does.

I've spent my entire summer at my grandparents' house. There has yet to be a day where I don't look at the doorways and hope and pray that she's just going to walk through them. It's a nagging, aching pain that is never going away. It's tears that always fall even when you think you're cried out. It's hoping, wishing, it's all a big joke. But it isn't and I haven't been able to process that; I don't know if I ever will.

You telling me any of these things does not help me in anyway. I understand where you are coming from and you're trying to comfort me in my time of need. Unfortunately, you're not comforting me. You're doing the opposite, you're irritating me. That being said, don't think I don't appreciate all the comments and support. I know that everyone means well and they might not know what else to say, but please just stop. I've never been so heartbroken, depressed, or lost. I don't know how to even breathe when I think about her. I'm struggling every day, trying to make her proud and wishing she would be here to see what I can accomplish. Wishing she was going to be here for my graduation and Megan's graduation. The sad fact is that she won't be and you telling me these things won't change that.