1. Tell a Cute Boy You Just Met That Night That You Find Him Attractive
Approach the stranger (who might have a girlfriend or boyfriend or still be in love with his middle school crush--there are a world of possibilities) and proceed to fumble over your words while he stands there completely confused. For example, I started with, and I quote, “I think you were really attractive-- I mean, are really attractive." When you finish your spiel, stand there and wait AS IF HE IS OBLIGATED TO RECIPROCATE.
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Only time can help you personally live this down, and this humiliation is not in fact fatal.
2. Be an 18 Year Old and Cover Yourself in 2009 Justin Bieber Temporary Tattoos
I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, because if you like something you should just plain like it, and I’ve done that unabashedly at every Justin Bieber concert I’ve ever attended; proudly exhausting the use of fan merchandise. I hit gold while cleaning my room the day before my most recent JB concert, so I obviously used every single temporary tattoo, because who knows when the Biebs and I will meet again? My dad and I had a blast, duh, Justin puts on a great show, and then we hung out afterwards. #Belieber. This is an important part of this step because you’ll see all of Justin’s crew and his lead choreographer can turn you down for a hug and then compromise with a high five (I’m talking to you Nick DeMoura). Maybe if I looked older the tattoos would’ve been more “ironic?" Well, whatever, he was smoking anyway.
3. Be New to a School and Pee Your Pants
When I was six I had just moved into this new town and started first grade, so I found myself alone at recess at the beginning. The supervisors took their job way too seriously and wouldn’t let me, little me with zero entourage, go inside early to go to the bathroom. “You have to wait until recess is over." Who was I going to bother by going inside? This is an elementary school full of kids! So I sat on a bench and probably nearly cried, I can’t remember, but I just peed right through the bench onto the wood chips and partly my skirt. Across the playground I locked eyes with a girl who later became my best friend and whose eyes said “I see you peeing." Later in gym class I walked up to her and told her my skirt was still wet and she just went, “Well you should’ve moved it," and thus began the birth of a friendship.
4. Have Your Mom Tell People You’re Shy as You Stand There
I used to go this place outside of school to further my math skills, and 82 percent of the time I hated it. The logo literally had an unhappy face in it, like is that a place you want to be educated in? They don’t want to make you happy. They want to turn your brain into a calculator zombie. I would arrive reluctantly every single time filled with all the resentment an elementary school kid could muster. There were times my mom walked me in and she’d go, “Mia is really, really shy, so if she needs help she won’t ask. She’s really struggling with this so please watch her," while I stood right next to her and tossed up the idea of dropping out of school and leading the child union against parents who put their kids in extra-curriculars without their consent.
I’m obviously good at holding grudges and my needs in life include “don’t let people perceive you as shy” followed by “especially when those perceptions derive from your mom because she tells people you’re shy AS YOU’RE STANDING RIGHT THERE." Love you mom.
5. Mock Other People's Dancing
Dances are hands down the best when you don’t know anyone, so making fun of the people who are acting in ways they definitely don’t act in the daylight is just too good to pass up. One of these nights I happened to be wearing a lace top and, while mocking people's’ dancing, my best friend’s butt pocket button got stuck to my sleeve, and it was funny until we realized we were seriously tangled. Well, it’s actually funnier after this. He didn’t notice until he tried to spin and saw that I was attached. We had to leave the middle of the dance floor and go to the stairwell where a janitor tried to kick us out, so we had to explain to him, and then he got his hands all up on my friends’ behind. Soon we had a small crowd of guys definitely under some influence with phone flashlights and all their hands on the butt/sleeve entanglement. After a literal 10 minutes (yes Crystal Griffith I mean literal) they managed to mangle us free. That was an indestructible shirt, shout-out to Akira. If this ever happens more than once you’ll just cry from laughing again.
6. Step Only on the White Lines When Crossing the Street to Avoid Lava
Best done with friends in the city. Makes everything a little more magical and it feels like you see the world through the eyes of a four year old with a big imagination.
7. Go to a Street Fair and Lie
The neighborhoods of Chicago have a fests every weekend, filled with booths and solicitors who come right up to you, so what better opportunity to work that imaginative muscle? Improv is a healthy art and it’s fun to pretend your life is much more interesting than it really is. Pretend the vendor’s food is perfect for you because you’re on a cleanse that has a name with 12 hyphens. Or you can’t buy their cable subscription because you’re about to up and move to a quaint studio apartment to give all your energy to your new Broadway role in "Hamilton."
My favorites are pretending you got a full ride to Marquette and even though theater is your passion, you’re majoring in African studies and joining the school’s traveling origami team. Have some fun. Live a little. For all these strangers know, you’re telling the truth or you’re the most interesting thing they’ve seen all day, and they’ll probably never see you again.
8. Get Your Skirt Stuck Up Your Tights and Walk Down the Hallway
The damage has already been done when you only realize you’ve done this after you get to your destination. You can only hope that your butt looked good in the process.
9. Dance When No One Else is
Supporting small bands is healthy and fixes your split ends and shrinks your pores. When they play and everyone around you is either: A. not paying any attention or B. just nodding their heads to be polite (which is still nice, the world needs more people to develop this habit), I say whip out the moves. That sentence alone could quantify my coolness and the place in my heart in which this "listicle" derived. But the band/musician almost always appreciates people actually listening and moving to their music. I think every band should hire professional "hypers" to make every crowd hyped and set the mood. Anyone who steals this idea must pay me in concert tickets. But bottom line--dance when no one else is. It’s so good for your heart.
10. Entitle an E-mail “Blue Haired Questions”
Hey college tour guide, it’s me. You may remember me, as the subject line of the e-mail says, I have blue hair. Kind of hard to miss. Aren’t I clever? Now you know who I am and what this e-mail says. Clever enough for you to laugh? Maybe? Okay, see you when I attend the school and no it’s not because of you. Okay maybe a little bit. In love with you always, Giles. I’ll hold all New York boys up to your standard.
11. Realize Your Fly is Down
It’s the best when you’re on stage speaking to 200 people and you find out, towards the end, that your fly’s been down the whole time. The thoughts that go through your head are: am I wearing cute underwear today/(more importantly) I am wearing underwear today, right? At least when you get that out of the way and people laugh, or maybe just you, it can only go up from here.
12. Tell Someone They’re Pronouncing Their Own Last Name Incorrectly
Sorry, but shouldn’t your name be pronounced ___? I sometimes still think this with people but I guess they can live in pleasant ignorance, and I won’t say anything. That or the off chance that I’m wrong (I’m never wrong and they’re totally saying their own name wrong).
13. Crowdsurf
Okay I’m lying I’ve never done this but it looks like a liberating and out-of-body experience that everyone should try.
