As you grow up you are constantly warned about bullying. If it happens to you, tell someone. Don’t do it, it’s mean. If you see it, stop it. Your whole life you are taught the importance of bringing each other up and not pushing each other down. Being kind, patient, loving, accepting—these are the values that your school teachers and families do their best to instill in you. What our system of societal and educational expectations has failed at, however, is preventing self bullying.

I used to think it was just girls who felt this way. Inadequate, pressured to be something they aren’t, to look the part and to act the most fun, the most interesting, the most compliant, the most flirtatious. As women we are constantly given a standard that is simply not reachable. But through talking to my guy friends, men feel this just as much. And where do all of these feeling of not being good enough lead to? Bullying. Look in the mirror, I guarantee you can find at least five things you want different. Look in your closet. I guarantee you can think of five things you want to be in there.

However, it goes beyond looks. Self bullying more than anything is putting yourself down, maybe without even realizing. For example, tonight I spilt a bag of chips on the floor and I spoke out loud to myself, “freakin' stupid.” The other day I started an argument with a friend by accident, and thought to myself “What is wrong with me, ugh.” I bully myself every day. I tell myself I’m not good enough, that I won’t reach my goals, and that I don’t have what it takes to accomplish anything.

Coming to college has helped immensely. For the first time, you are surrounded by so many ambitious people who come from so many different places in life and look and act so different than you and the people you grew up around. Diversity exemplifies the idea of becoming whatever you please. On the other hand, you receive an entirely new group of people to compare yourself to. There will always be someone smarter, funnier, richer, and more attractive than you, and in college it’s harder to get away from that reality. It’s cliche to say “just be yourself” but it’s only said so much and so often because it’s TRUE.

Words and actions from others hurt, of course. But if you consistently feel down on yourself, maybe take a look to see if it is others bringing you down or you bullying yourself into sadness based off of others.

We are taught to treat others as you would want to be treated, but not to treat yourself how you would want to be treated.

Self-love is just as important as loving others. You can’t show grace, kindness, and genuine support if you can’t do the same for yourself. You can’t truly love someone else if you can’t love yourself.

Stop bullying yourself. If you begin to lift yourself up, compliment yourself, and speak and think of yourself in a positive way; not only will you become more confident, but you will feel whole, genuine, and happy.