I say sorry. It’s just something I do. I had a college friend come stay with me for a week this summer, and at the end of her stay she mentioned that my family apologized all of the time, and she supposed that was where I got it from. I’ve never really seen it as a problem. I was being accommodating, trying to make people feel better, trying to smooth things over. Except most of the time I was apologizing, there was nothing to apologize for. So I decided to stop saying sorry when what I really meant was thank you.

Let me provide an example. I’m sitting in my friends’ room at college. We’re listening to music softly as we do homework, and, as sometimes happens, I am unconsciously singing along with the music. One of my friends notices and compliments me on my harmonies. I apologize for singing out loud. Wait. Pause. Why did I just do that? My friend was just trying to be kind, and I said sorry for something that wasn’t even offending anyone.

To those who identify with what I’m talking about here: think about what you’re feeling when you compliment someone. When someone gives a genuine compliment, they are extending warmth and kindness. The correct response to that is a gracious thank you, not an embarrassed apology.

I think that the reason for substituting apologies for gratitude is that we don’t really believe that the person who compliments us is being sincere. To refer to my example, instead of hearing “your singing is lovely,” I heard “your singing is making it hard to concentrate, but I’m going to bring it up as politely as I possibly can.” Which is not at all what my friend was trying to say.

I’ve done a good bit of thinking about this, and the conclusion that I’ve come to is that I need to stop being self-conscious. I need to have a good enough opinion of myself so that when someone compliments me, I can accept that they actually mean it, instead of assuming that they are actually upset about something that I’m doing. I don’t know whether this helps. I don’t know whether there’s even anyone out there who relates with what I’m talking about. But if you’re out there, accept compliments with gratitude. Reserve apology for when you’ve actually messed up. Don’t say sorry when you mean thank you.