Being diagnosed with a mental illness is not trendy. It's not something tragically beautiful that's meant to be posted all over Tumblr pages for attention. It's not Imagine Dragon's "Demons" lyrics pasted over a black and white photo. It's not heavy eyeliner and all-black clothing. It's not slamming your bedroom door and fighting with your family. It's not just an emotion; it's not just sadness. It's not just someone who's afraid to speak up in class or be in large crowds. It's so much more than a simple chemical imbalance in the brain. And not everyone will understand that.
Depression and anxiety may just seem like "sadness" and "nervousness" to you, but to some, it drains the energy and life right out of them. It's a constant battle of facing your worst fears: all of the what ifs, the difficulty breathing, the fast heart rates, and sweaty palms. It holds you back from countless opportunities, because you live in complete and utter fear. But it's all irrational thoughts in your head, right? The only way to describe depression is that is feels like you're falling down a well. No matter how hard you try to climb back up to the beaming light above, there's no ladder to get you there. And everything comes crumbling down. It's like being tossed into the ocean and not knowing how to swim.
Depression is finding the strength to get up in the morning to face another day. It's staring at your clock at 3:00 a.m., letting your mind wander to the deepest corners of your soul. It's looking at the dark clouds when all you want to see is the sun. It's feeling like you aren't good enough for anyone, that you're incapable of doing anything right. It's someone asking "How are you?" and you say "Fine," even though it's a lie. Depression is laying in bed at night struggling to find the smallest bit of something good in your day. It’s hurting and pushing away the people who love you most, because you can’t see why anyone would care about you if you can’t even love yourself. It's a feeling of inherent tiredness that sleep cannot cure. It's feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness as you drag yourself to class. It's looking at the syllabus for the next semester and trying not to have a panic attack when you become completely overwhelmed when you see "class presentation" on week four. It's running away from everything and not looking back, tricking yourself into believing that if you go somewhere else, you can escape it.
News flash: It follows you, like your shadow follow you into the night.
You research what's wrong with you: Why am I so sad? Why am I overthinking everything? You try deep breathing techniques, exercising more to release positive signals in your brain. You eat healthy, and drink stupid tea, and spend time in the sunlight. You read articles and quotes about positivity. You journal away until your hand falls off. Your mind and heart and whole being ache in pain until you're overcome with a numbness.
Mental illness, no matter how small or severe, is an actual problem. It is just as important as all physical ailments. Even though it may not be visible, it does not mean that it's not there, thieving someone of their goodness and happiness. Depression is a thief. Anxiety is a liar. But only if you let them be. It doesn't have to steal your happiness, your family, your friends, and your life away from you. There are many bad days trying to find a point in it all, but there are good days, too.
Depression and anxiety are a challenge for those who perceive things in a different way. It taught me to accept what I cannot change; to appreciate all of the little things God graces me with in this world. It forces me to push myself out of my comfort zone. It allows me to ask endless questions and look at things closely. It taught me how to love wholeheartedly. It taught me that running away will not solve anything. It does not define me--it's a part of me--and I accept that.
I'm not being dramatic, I'm being realistic. Many people hear the phrase "mental illness" and jump to the most extreme cases. Schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, dementia. But maybe, just maybe, if people took the time to realize that things like anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and bipolar disorder, among others, are just as important, then perhaps people wouldn't think it's just another phase to get over.
I'm not going to tell you that everything is going to be okay. I'm not here to give you tips on how to feel better. I'm here to tell you not to give up, no matter how difficult things may seem at the moment.
Because remember this: You got up this morning. And that has to count for something.
Keep getting up.
