We live in a world where all the little ones can proudly walk up to the podium in alphabetical order to receive a trophy or certificate titled “Participant of…”, signed by coach, teacher, or leader. It’s pretty darn cute to see your stumbling, clumsy daughter who can’t hit a ball off a T smile proudly with her t-ball participation medal.

But really, what are they learning in all of this? I mean, it’s one thing if they really try. But in giving every little Johnny and Deb a medal for being there, we are teaching those sweet babies exactly that; to just show up.

When all it takes to win is to attend, our kids are going to lose their push to find something they truly excel at and enjoy. Sure, it’s sad that little Timmy lost his wrestling match. Maybe little Timmy needs some extra encouragement and practice, or maybe he should try basketball instead. And Annie, she is wearing her participation medal, being clapped for on stage after losing her mock trial competition. She tried, right?

These newly forming traditions and ceremonies to pad the feelings of children from the hit of failure may seem to make things better in the moment but really act as a hindrance. Losing may hurt, but that is what encourages growth.

It isn’t supposed to be easy to lose.

It is supposed to teach you to try harder.

(After all, when little Annie grows up to be a lawyer, there is no participation medal for a case lost. She wanted to be a florist anyway.)

I know I am stepping on some toes here. Especially those who teach our little ones that “Blue team might have won, but everyone is a winner today!”

Positivity is great, but kids need to learn how to lose.

They need to learn that it is okay not to get a medal. It is okay to fail a project. They need to learn that not everyone wins. Instead of being undeservingly commended and applauded, our little ones need a pat on the shoulder and be encouraged to try harder next time. Of course, there should be instruction on sportsmanship to follow any loss or win, but that’s for another post.

I know that especially in the last few years there has been a push for equality of everything in everything, which has led us to this ‘no losers’ mindset. Equality is great, but it is this ‘no losers’ that has me worried.

Life doesn’t give you participation medals, and when it does, those of us who know better are more embarrassed to receive them than nothing at all. I grew up just fine without those frivolous certificates and often sat in envy of the kids who got the real trophies.

But guess what? That is how I learned that softball wasn’t my thing (though God, did I try), and I was only adequate at math (accounting would not be in my future), I loved art and did well at it, but the “best in class” was never given to me. Just like every other kid out there, I wished for those titles. I worked hard for the ones that meant something to me, and sometimes I got them, sometimes I didn’t.

However, it all led me to where I am now. I didn’t get commended for showing up, or even trying my hardest when it didn’t set me apart. I did get rewarded for finding something that I love and I dedicated my efforts to for years.

In conclusion, I am not some party-pooper mom yelling about the good old days. Have your fun: host award ceremonies where you give the “best in class” trophies and the “most improved” awards. But make my kid work for that piece of paper, give her something she deserves, only if she did more than just show up.

Failure or short falling shouldn’t be ignored or excused, but it should be utilized as a way to grow as a person, athlete, or scholar. Those kids deserve something real, whether it be winning or losing. They don’t deserve the bull that is called ‘participation medals’. Do your children a favor, let them lose. Let them learn. Let them grow. Stop commending them for showing up, and start encouraging true effort and dedication.

Adapted from my personal blog.