Ever since I have gotten back from school, I've noticed that whenever I have conversations about what went on this past year, especially with adults, the discussion quickly turns from school activities to the inevitable question: "Are you seeing anyone?"
Nope. No, I am not.
This is always asked with genuine concern which makes it pretty clear that they weren't really listening before. That's okay - I realized at this point in the conversation that they were just trying to get to the good stuff. The look in their eye almost screams, "Who cares about honors? Have you found a husband yet!?" I guess by turning 20 this past semester and ending my sophomore year of college, I have officially been deemed old enough to get into the "real" dating scene, you know, for marriage.
There's nothing I can really do but smile, tell them that I am single and brush it off like the innocent question it seemed to be. But if this question was supposed to be so innocent, why did people look disappointed and fearful of my unattached status? Truth be told, the more I got asked this question, the more it started to make feel bad about my lack of relationships and my own self-worth.
I started to questions about why I was single. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not as smart or pretty as guys want me to be? Is it because I don't have a tall model-like body? All of these circling questions were making me doubt myself, and go a bit crazy.
When I went off to college, a lot of people thought I wouldn't last for a variety of reasons. This ignited an intense drive inside of me, and I felt like I had something to prove, not only to those doubters, but also to myself. I had to show everyone that I was just as smart and could work just as hard as anyone else, and I did. I took extra courses, worked incredibly hard and made honor roll every semester. I was, and still am, extremely proud of everything that I have accomplished.
You can understand the disheartenment I felt when people only cared about how soon I was walking down the aisle.
I'm not upset or disappointed about being single. Would I like to find someone who supports me and will constantly be there for me? Of course. Do I want to find someone who loves me as much as Kanye West loves himself? Absolutely. I want all of these things and more, but I'm not going to put pressure on myself to find it. If a relationship finds me, I will welcome it with open arms.
There are so many underlying feelings and assumptions that come from that seemingly harmless question. So please keep in mind, I am so much more than my relationship status.
