Man's best friend. Dogs are arguably the most precious creatures that we humans have been gifted with. If given the choice between a dog and most people in the world, I would choose to kick it with the dog 9 times out of 10. I'm not ashamed of it at all either.

These furry friends do everything your friends do and more. They'll chill with you while you watch some TV. They'll listen to your problems without rudely interrupting. And did I mention that they are soft and make great pillows? They’ll be by your side when you’re wrong, but they’ll also be the first to forgive you. As long as they’re potty trained, dogs are great options as lifelong companions.

There is only one problem I have with dogs, but really it boils down to the owners. I’m just going to be blunt: stop bringing your dogs everywhere you go. Seriously, there is a time and place for everything, and taking your dog into a movie theater is unnecessary. Do you dog owners really think Mr. Mittens gives a shit about "Deadpool"? I’m not even kidding either. I’ve worked at a movie theater for a couple years and I’ve seen people pull some wacky stunts, but asking me if you need to buy a ticket for your dog is ridiculous.

Let’s talk about the sanitary issues your feces-covered dog brings with it while I’m at it. He goes outside, does his business in a nice-looking bush and proceeds to roll around in it. It’s not his fault -- remember, he’s just a stupid dog. Then the owner takes his stinky dog and lets him prance around the grocery store. Call me high maintenance or a drama queen, but I don’t want your dog’s fecal matter on my defenseless leafy lettuce. If I wanted a crappy salad, I’d go to Denny’s. But no, I’m here at Safeway popping a blood vessel because your dog’s hair and excrement are all over the food.

If you’re mildly offended after reading this far because your dog is a service dog, my sincerest apologies -- but this does not pertain to you. I have seen maybe a handful of service dogs compared to the vast ocean of goofy-looking Chihuahuas and Beagles. And if you don’t have a service dog and you’re still offended, I don’t know what to tell you, but I’m not going to apologize.

Look, I get it, your dog is your little baby. You tell all your friends that Mr. Mittens is your child. And that’s cool, but at the end of the day, you must realize that Mr. Mittens is a dumb dog, and not a human being. And no matter how much you treat Mr. Mittens like a human, he will never be anything but a foolish dog. But you know what? Perhaps he learned to be so brain dead from his owner. I’m not telling you you’re a bad owner or how to raise your dog -- I’m telling you to be mindful of the other people your dog impacts when he’s out in public with you.

Now go ahead, call Mr. Mittens out of your kitchen where he is rolling around in the trash he knocked over a few minutes ago. Grab his leash and I’ll see you two dingus’ at In-N-Out where you’ll order a number two for him, as if he really gives a you-know-what. Whatever, enjoy your double-double, Mr. Mittens.