I was driving to work today, and an older song came on the radio that brought back a boat load of memories for me. It wasn't old enough to be deemed a classic just yet, but it was still too outdated to be on any of the trendy top 40 radio stations. This song took me back to a time in my life that I have tried so tirelessly to forget. A time full of vulnerability, raw emotion and anger towards one individual in particular. This song took me back to when I was somebody's booty call, sometimes referred to as a FWB (friend with benefits). I think a lot of people get the two mixed up and use the terms interchangeably, when in actuality they are extremely different, in my eyes anyway. FWB involves two consenting adults who have decided that they only want sexual relations, as opposed to an emotional connection.

Personal disclaimer: I think you are bat shit crazy if you believe that such a scenario could exist so seamlessly, but that is merely my past experiences speaking for me. Only YOU can decide what works for you.

Logistics aside though, a booty call is slightly different from the aforementioned acronym. A booty call (in my life) was not so consensual and agreed upon. It is the complex dynamic of one person wanting a strictly sexual relationship, while the other person desires a relationship with depth and emotion involved. In my experience, a booty call is more about leading one person to believe that they might have a chance (emotionally) while taking full advantage of them physically throughout the process. My situation strongly resembled the latter of the two, and it was just as painful and manipulative as you might imagine.

Now I do not want to knock anyone's life choices. FWB works for some individuals and it is a catastrophe for others. It merely depends on the person and their goals, desires or priorities at a certain point in their lives. But for me, and my emotions and my desires, FWB would never work. However, it clearly took me a little while to figure this out. At this point, you might be wondering how someone like me even ended up in such a problematic position that I was clearly so opposed to. If I did not want to participate in anything so casual and careless, then why did I get sexually involved with this unpredictable person in the first place?

Believe me, I wish I had an answer for you.

But why does any woman get involved with a man that she knows is no good for her? Loneliness, lack of self-love, indecision or maybe even boredom. There were so many factors that pulled me into falling for this man, some of which I did not even fully understand at the time, most of which don't even matter at this point.

Before I knew it, this long time friend of mine had become a FWB, and soon after, I became the resentful booty call that wanted so much more from him.

I spent hours of my free time wishing and hoping that there was something I could do to pull him in emotionally, praying that one day he would actually want me for more than just my body. With every late night call, I went running in the wrong direction trying to find love from him, but more specifically trying to find love for myself. I kept assuming that if I did the things he asked, bent over backwards to make his life easier and played the role of his silent sex toy, then maybe he would comply. Maybe then he would give in. Maybe then he would love me.

Occasionally, during sex, he would say the words "I love you", claiming that it was an accident and that he simply got "caught up in the moment". But looking back I can see that it was no accident at all. He said those words when he could feel me slipping away. He said those words, because he knew hearing something so sacred come from his mouth (even if it was a lie) might be enough to get me to stay with him in our very "special" arrangement. The arrangement where he fucked whoever he wanted, and I worshiped only him.

He was strategic, gifted, manipulative, strong-willed and an excellent liar. Some might call him a genius, but any smart woman who has been around the block would call him by the title he has so coarsely deserved: a textbook narcissist.

He knew exactly what to say to play me, to pull me in and to emotionally abuse me to the point where I thoroughly believed it was love. What a joke, right?

So ladies, I can say this with confidence that being the booty call is no place for a good woman to be. You will end up with the narcissists, the abusers and the overall undesirables. A man worthy of your attention will love every part of you, emotionally, mentally and physically. He will appreciate what you bring to the table sexually, but also appease your mind and soul, as well.

I can look back now and laugh at how delusional and childish I was, but it was not always this way. Over the course of my young adult (and teen) years I have been metaphorically dragged through the mud by countless men who pretended to love me long enough to get what they wanted. My life was a parade of man-whores and fake love, and for the most part, I have no one to blame but myself. It is crazy how times have changed in just a few short years though, and it is truly baffling how much those trying times have changed me through the years.

I am an (almost) happily married woman (ie. engaged). We have about two months left before we say "I do", and every day I look up to God with thanksgiving for the opportunity to love a man so unbelievably kind and selfless. After falling in "fake" love with all the wrong ones, I am grateful that I finally have the chance to fall in love every day with the right one. And no, our love story did NOT begin with booty calls or FWB.

Our relationship was founded on trust, communication, honesty, integrity, compassion and above all, Jesus Christ. I have never once questioned his love for me, and believe me, that is probably the best feeling in the world for a girl like me. I wake up every day with certainty of his faithfulness and absolute confidence in his commitment.

I praise God for the lessons that I have learned and the mistakes that I have made, but I thank God even more so that I am no longer stuck in those mistakes.

He is the One who saved me and the One who changed me, even on the days where I had no desire to be saved or be changed. How sweet it is that Christ can look at us in the middle of our mess and still find somebody worthy of love and redemption. He truly is a good, GOOD Father.