I was always number two, the second choice or even the last resort. Up until 8th grade, I was always second best to my best friend. I wasn’t able to get the higher grade, the most goals in soccer, or be the most confident or popular. Then, I lost one of my best friends to a fight between our parents. Little did I know at the time, but that moment changed my life.
I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal for your best friend to make you cry or purposely try to make you jealous, or leave you out. I thought that was life, and that I would always be second best, until my mom saved me. Going to high school with a broad group of friends and no best friend was the beginning of a new me, the real me. I know that might sound cheesy, but looking back on my life I am able to see why I am the way that I am.
Since 8th grade, I never once kept a friend that I didn’t like. I never felt guilty choosing to spend my time exclusively with the people I enjoyed and the people that loved me back. When it comes to my family and my friends, I pride myself in being so aware that it is 100% my choice who is in my life and who is not, and I am completely aware that who is and isn’t in my life can greatly affect the course of my life.
No, I don’t throw people away like garbage, but I don’t hang on to bad relationships, petty girls, or people that ditch me all the time or constantly lie to me the way almost everyone I know does. You don’t have to answer their call, mom. You don’t have to go out to dinner with her if you don’t want to! I’m always telling my loved ones. They don’t always understand how I can be so selfish in this way, but it is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Be selfish.
I recently ended an amazing two and a half year relationship with an amazing man. He gave me some of the best times of my life and taught me so much about myself. I really am a different and better person than the person I was when I met him and I am thankful for that every day.
We really didn’t have problems. We always had fun things planned, respected each other, we were attracted to each other, and shared almost all of the same interests. We were a perfect couple, really. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was trying to fit into a mold that was not made for me. I am only 23, he was 27. He had his whole life figured out, and here I am working a full-time job and living in a city that I don’t know I belong in, all while still playing tug-of-war with adulthood and childhood. I’m not ready for either. I still want to live at home and have a part-time job that just barely covers gas and my student loans, but I also want to be the responsible adult that I am and continue to grow in my career and continue on upwards. This internal struggle combined with the fact that if I were with him, I would have to live in New York the rest of my life, and I would have to go in a direction that would be suitable for both of us, not individually but together made me sick to my stomach for weeks.
Choosing to end such an amazing, easy relationship was not easy, but if I’ve learned anything in my 23 years, it’s that you have to live life for you and no one else. Your boyfriend might break up with you, might die, you might lose your job, you might win the lottery, you might wake up one day a new person, you might fall out of love, you might meet someone new. You never know. The only thing you can control is yourself, and if you aren’t happy with your circumstances, you have the ability to change them. So I ended it. I cried like a baby and admitted that I might regret my decision one day, but at this moment, I don’t think that I can regret it. Because now I can move anywhere, work any job, NOT work any job, go on vacation tomorrow, etc. all because it won’t affect anyone besides me. I do understand that we all have other responsibilities; jobs, bills, children, etc. seem to keep us tied down to a certain town, a certain job, a certain person and that only grows more true as we age and these ties continue to increase. However, nothing is permanent. I can’t say that enough. Nothing is permanent.
If you want a change, you can make it happen. Struggle for a bit, work extra shifts at your job, find the time, find the money, find the courage to get what it is that you want. At the moment, I happen to not KNOW what I want. But to me, that is something. That means I am on a quest to find that something and for now, that is enough. I am making it my new goal to focus on me for the next few years to figure out what kind of person I want to be, where I want to live, what I want to do with my job, what I want to do outside of my job. Do I want kids? I always said yes…but truthfully I do not know. Do I even want to get married?! These are the things that flow through my head from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep.
I could stress about it, or I can realize the power I have and do something about it. You do too.
