My biological clock is a ticking time bomb. I get it. After living on planet Earth for 30+ years & having motherhood proudly spouted as my primary purpose, I remain with no desire to explore it. Is that selfish? Absolutely. But I’m just looking out for my number one: ME. Take a deep breath & let me explain.

First off, my grandmother is listed as my ICE contact. She lives 4 states away. You know what that means? I am 600 miles from the nearest family member. How the hell would I raise a miniature human alone? Yes, women do this. & yes, those women deserve trophies. I am not one of those women. It is nothing short of a miracle I accomplish tiny “adult” tasks without their help. For example, I jumpstarted a car without my dad’s help. ONCE. Seems like plenty of experience to raise a kid, right?

I’m also a Grade A spinster. How the hell am I supposed to consider raising a human when I can’t even MAKE one? It seems like people always forget you need a man in your life in order to get pregnant. Even grandma keeps asking me about this.

“Nicole, any hot dates this week?”

“Only with Unsolved Mysteries, gram.”

“Well the Davis family bloodline can’t end just because you can’t find a date.”

Ho-kay, grandma. Let me just run outside in the nude. Get right on that. At this point, though, I think she would allow a skipped wedding in exchange for newborn cuddles. Do newborns cuddle? Is that a thing?

Thirdly, kids are expensive. I don’t have any money. I mean, I’m not on a ramen noodle diet, but I sure as hell ain’t ordering top shelf vodka. SEE? NOT READY FOR MOTHERHOOD. The small funds I do procure are spent on 600 square feet of living space - unfit to share with anyone else, regardless of how small he/she may be. Once we deduct that & daycare, baby & I should be left with right around -$500. Excellent. Better start packing your things, baby.

Finally, I got things to do. I already told you I was selfish, & I mean it. I am trying to dominate the tech industry & triple my income. Lookout 700 square feet! I’m coming for you.

At church, they told me my primary purpose in life was to be fruitful & multiply. The only part of my that is multiplying is my weight, alright Jesus? If this is a sick joke to you, I’m impressed. I have never had that maternal instinct I see in a lot of women & therefore have spent very little time considering how to fit having a family into my life. Why is that so horrifying to so many people? How come all women need to be moms? I just gave you 4 great reasons I shouldn’t procreate. IT’S FINE.

Now, stop asking me when I’m going to have kids.