I am a very emotional person. I cry watching movies, seeing a sad post on Facebook or even just thinking about something sad. I get very attached to things and people and when things change it is very hard on me. When it comes to grieving I tend to ignore it, and hide my feelings. I change the subject or just leave the room. I just don’t know how to handle it. Many people grieve in different stages or lengths of time, and I feel like I haven’t even hit any part of grieving yet.

My grandma passed away a couple of months ago. We were very close, but she was suffering and had many health problems, so I knew it was coming someday. When it did, I really didn’t feel anything. Maybe it was because every month there was a health scare and we would prepare for the worst. I remember one day thinking my grandma was going to pass away, and we were ready but then she got better. She always got better and I was used to that. I couldn’t grieve because I didn’t want to admit it actually happened this time. She did not get better.

Thinking about it now, I feel like I grieved many years ago when my grandma’s health started to deteriorate. She had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, so it didn't feel like she was quite there any more. Her body was here but her soul was not. This wasn’t the grandma who would make us laugh and spoil us. I felt like I lost her long ago. I still loved my grandma so much, but I knew this is not how I wanted to remember her.

Many people in my family took this very hard, and I felt bad that I didn’t. I cried maybe three times total. Was there something wrong with me? I knew I was very sad, but I just ignored my feelings. I put them away and just carried on with life. I kept ignoring my feelings until the other day when my best friend lost hers. I didn’t know what came over me and I started crying with her. I think at that moment it hit me. I realized I lost my grandma. I don’t know if it was her crying and me the one comforting her, but it hit me.

With the holidays coming up I know it’s going to be hard on my family and I. Christmas was my grandma’s favorite holiday, and that’s when we would all come together as a family to celebrate. I am so grateful that the past few Christmases we made them so special for her. The best Christmas I remember with her was when we got to take my grandma out of the nursing home for the night. That is the grandma I remember. I know that there are going to be tears, but I know in my heart my grandma is happy that we have remained together as a family.

Have I grieved or will I not? After reflecting on myself, I feel like I have grieved the loss, but it was long ago. I know we all grieve differently, and it takes times. I think it will hit me during the holidays, but I will remember all the wonderful times I had with her. My grandma was a strong woman, who suffered many years and knowing she isn’t in pain anymore helps heal my broken heart. She is happier now, and watches over me. One day it may hit me and it will catch up.