When you first hear the word "abuse," you probably think of the physical kind; the punching, kicking, slapping, throw-you-against-a-wall kind of abuse. But then there are other forms that often aren't discussed. The kind they don't warn you about when you meet a random guy through mutual friends. The kind they don't warn you about in health class at school. The kind of abuse that leaves bruises but not to the naked eye.
At first, things were great.
I was on cloud nine. It was fun. We went everywhere. We did everything. But somewhere between the late night phone calls and the blistering arguments over small things, everything went sour.
I like to think of it all as a hot shower: you start out with the water at a comfortable temperature, and then as you get used to it, you slowly turn it up. After a while, you realize that you can't see through all the steam, and your body is red and itchy from the scalding water. Everything starts out like a fairy tale, and you have no idea what's coming. Nobody tells you about that part. There are a lot of things that nobody will tell you.
Gradually, you start losing your friends. You find yourself spending every free minute with your partner. And I’m not talking about just when you’re in that starry-eyed honeymoon phase. When you do try to spend time with your friends and family, your significant other makes you feel guilty about it, until eventually you find yourself spending all of your time with only them. This is his or her sneaky way of isolating you until you feel as if you have nobody else left in your life. This isolation is his or her ultimate goal, because without the support of others around you, it is much easier for him or her to control you.
But wait! Why don't you just stick up for yourself?! HA. Good one. If you stand-up for yourself, this person will make you feel as if you’re attacking them. He or she may even call YOU the abusive one, preying on your empathy. Once you stand up for yourself and call out his/her shit, they turn the attention to your wrong doings in an effort to keep you distracted from their own abusive behavior. This often leaves you feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells around them, not wanting to upset them. You may find yourself going around and around in circles when in a fight with them.
No matter what you do, you always feel as if you’re not good enough or worthy enough for your partner. Whether they imply it by pointing out your flaws or by constantly disapproving of you, you just never seem to live up to their expectations. This causes your self-esteem to plummet and your insecurity ultimately keeps you from leaving them. This is exactly what abusive significant others want from you. They want you to be reliant on them and to feel like they are the only person who could ever love you.
Nobody tells you about the aftermath. Even though he never laid a finger on me, I am now stuck with the emotional scarring that comes along with nearly three years of abuse. I am stuck with the anxiety, the bad memories where I constantly kick myself for being so stupid; so naive. Every day is a struggle to get past that because now that I know better, I hate that I wasted my time.
I think the scariest part was that I was so hurt but I was still running at full capacity. On the outside, I was still me. It wasn't until I came home one day and took a look in the mirror that I didn't recognize the girl staring back at me. She was tired. Disheveled. She had those lines you get on your cheeks when you're pushing up smiles for too long. Her hair was flat. She was living and breathing but their wasn't a fire behind her eyes.
And finally: nobody tells you that surviving the ordeal of an emotionally abusive relationship will make you a better person. You have to learn how to rebuild yourself in the aftermath, and the strength you will gain from that experience makes you nearly unbreakable. You learn to appreciate the good relationships in your life, and you value them more than you ever have before. You learn to stand up for yourself and understand that it's not because you're selfish, it's because you know your worth. You learn how you should not be treated, and you make sure that your next relationship is the best one yet. But most importantly, you learn that you are more than someone's words.
Nobody, no matter how much they mean to you, can ever tell you your worth; only you can do that.
