I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty or throw the heavyweight of the blame on your shoulders but I'm not exactly writing this to say I would welcome you back to my life with open arms and a warm smile either. I am writing this to show you how much I have grown without your presence; how your absence in my life has taught me more things than I ever thought it would.
I want this letter to put things in perspective for you but the spiteful side of me will try to put you through the same pain you left me in and for that, I apologize.
To you, sticking around was harder than letting go because it meant you were stuck. It took me a long time to accept the fact that this is just who you are, a person who rather run from a fire than put it out. Thanks to you, commitment is an uphill battle since you showed me first hand how easy it was to never turn around after a goodbye.
My trust was shattered by the man that was supposed to teach me the definition of it. As one of the creators of my heart, you were the very first to break it. I have caution tape wrapped around every inch of me; a gift from you to those that I let in to show just exactly how fragile I am and why.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering what I would be like if I wasn't that little girl that grew up without a father. What it would be like to watch your face light up like a Christmas tree and hear your heartbeat when you pull me towards your chest for that hug I used to know so well. I can't tell you how many times I've waited for that faint text from you asking to see me again only to stare at a screen where your name has never appeared.
A part of me wishes you would've been apart of this ladder I have climbed to the to reach these new heights in my life. Luckily I don't really get upset about that anymore. This situation has pushed me to a maturity level that most people my age can't understand. For that I am forever thankful.
You have taught me how to put myself first no matter who stands behind me, to step with pride and know the value of the path I'm on. You have taught me how to open the door for people eager to walk out of my life and with that being said, I don't blame you for leaving. I just hate how I didn't grow up with an amazing dad by my side. Most importantly I hate that you didn't get to be the parent I hope you wanted to be.
Wherever you are now, I want you to know this. You will always be my dad no matter how far you have drifted. You have molded me into the person I have always wanted to be despite the fact that you were missing for most of my life. And finally, I will always love you even though you were the one that taught me that love can hurt.
