We've all been here. Everything in the relationship starts out great. You enjoy being around each other, you do cute things all the time, maybe you even throw in an "I love you" from time to time (or several times a day). But eventually, everything seems to turn sour. You start to get pissy and irritable whenever you have to spend time with your significant other. You start talking to your friends, saying, "Yeah man I dunno, I kinda want to break up with her." Finally, you and yours have one last fight, and the breakup happens. Next time you're in this situation, here are seven tips to make it the worst time in your young adult life.
1. Immediately start sliding into random peoples' DMs like it's your last day on earth.
Davis Purtell
Bonus points if you DM them on TikTok and Instagram and then add them on Snapchat, all within five minutes. Extra super-bonus points if anyone actually responds to you.
2. Keep talking to your ex as if nothing ever happened.
Davis Purtell
When you do this, make sure to be insufferably arrogant about the entire ordeal. Really demean them and dig into every little thing you can. The goal here isn't to actually talk to them, it's just to get under their skin and make them question everything. Pro moves.
3. Have sex as much as you possibly can.
Davis Purtell
Male, female, anything in between. Short, tall, fat, skinny — doesn't matter. Hit up your other exes, even. You just want to be touched. Just for one second, you want to feel what it's like to experience true passion again. Quality over quantity, right? And if you're having some trouble with the booty-call game, it's especially important to follow this next tip...
4. Have sex with your ex whenever possible.
Davis Purtell
Since you want things to be as confusing and emotionally stressful as you can, make sure to get frisky with your ex now and again, too. Move those hips like you're trying to produce the world's newest bastard child. Passion is the key here. Make sure you blur the line between emotional connection and physical satisfaction so that your ex has no idea how you feel about them.
5. Turn your friends into pawns for your own benefit.
Davis Purtell
It's important to also pull your friends into the situation too. Subtly force them to pick sides, and then drop them if they don't side with you. Toxicity is important to building emotional firepower against your ex. You know you're playing the game right if you alienate those closest to you — family included!
6. Post a series of pictures on your finsta about your breakup.
Davis Purtell
Remember: subtlety is the key for this maneuver. Never outright say your ex's name. If you do, you run the risk of being called immature. If anyone does call you immature, you have to fire right back with a series of high-brow insults to demean them and make it seem like you're the smartest and you know everything. Regardless, if subtweeting your ex on your finsta isn't enough for you...
7. Subtweet yourself in your latest low-effort listicle on Odyssey.
Davis Purtell
You can't be called immature if you're aware of your own immaturity, right? Admitting your mistakes to your ex is an important part of reconciliation between you and your former significant other. Since you're still angry about the whole thing though, write about it somewhere that only about 250 people will see (if you're lucky).
If you add me on Snap (@davisrawr) and follow my Insta (@_purtell_) I'll give you my entire stimulus check. (Spoiler: I didn't get one.)
