Sometimes, people leave our lives. Whether we want them to or not is not up to us. But we have to understand that things may not always work out in our favor. People will leave and never look back, leaving you in the dirt and mud. It's the vicious cycle of life.
I remembered that day as if I were reliving the moment. The sun radiated the park area, lighting up the trees as if it were an early Christmas. Beauty and life surrounded me - it was exasperating. On that beautiful sunny morning, I had smiled like I had never smiled before. His voice -- I could listen to him talk for hours. His smile -- he never did smile a lot. But when he did, I couldn't help but randomly smile right back. We talked for hours, our hands intertwined like inseparable snakes. Those summer days were all that I longed for once more.
Ring ring, the sound of my alarm would go off and snap me back to my unfortunate reality. I groggily tried to sit up only to fall weakly and slump back onto my hard bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling that is always lonely. The ceiling that never gets paid attention to. Only when its light is flickered on is when we briefly take note of it before moving on. The light would flick off during the night and we would be shrouded in darkness. It would be doomed to fall victim to its daily duty - its daily cycle of misery and pain that I quite possibly may be living.
School was different now. The same excitement I had in the beginning of the year had now vanished. I kept myself busy by religiously tending to books and assignments. Every week would entail something different for me to do -- anything to not be left alone with my thoughts. Music was never really the same anymore. I had lost interest. The boy who had filled his life with music and laughter was now leaving his pages blank, singing no song. My friends noticed the change in me too. They questioned and interrogated me many times before, but I always assured them I was fine.
"I'm okay," I would say.
That was the question I pondered late that night. Was I okay? Yes, I was okay. I was exceptionally and moderately good. That was what okay meant wasn't it? Satisfactory -- the in between of serious sadness and being fine. That was my definition of okay at least. At least it reassured everyone and kept them from pushing the matter on. I will never say I am not okay because it would suggest I am one or the other - happy or sad. I am just okay, stuck in an endless limbo with no escape.
There went another morning. And another morning after that. All these days have piled up now. I desperately check my phone, hoping to see some hint of hope.
Nothing. And when I shut my phone off, I see my reflection. I stare back at my glossy and puffy red eyes. I notice the bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep. A frown was glued upon my face. My expression never changed anymore.
The bathroom would be my new setting. I could fill the tub with my tears if I wanted to. I would play music in there and just sit on the floor. I would always think about him. I remember the day he promised me that no matter what, he would love me always. That nothing would ever come in between that. That no distance could ever separate a love that was so strong. At least strong for me. It always felt one-sided, but sadly now it really was.
Ding, a new sound. My phone came to life as it received a new message. Hope perhaps?
"I can't deal with the fact that you still care about me and I treat you like this. I try not to, but I come off as one. I can't keep talking to you if that's how I react. Never been good at relationships as you can tell, which is why I don't want one. You staying here hurts me because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel -- I don't know what to say. And I can't pretend like everything is all jolly and good when in reality -- I just can't take it anymore. I don't feel anything."
There was the first punch.
"It may seem that way -- it being easy for me. But I'm hurting inside just as much as you are. I can't keep feeling like this and I don't want you to keep being treated the way I'm treating you. I'll be in that group of crappy exes and I can't do anything about it but be embarrassed by it. But life moves on and so should you."
And another one.
"I know everyone will see me as a cold hearted monster, but I can't help it if it bothers me too. I can't control my feelings or thoughts and so I just blow them off, and I'm sorry, but I don't know what to do because I don't want your help or anyone else's help."
The final stab, right into my heart.
And I cried. All of the emotion piled on from the days I spent sulking had finally toppled over and I finally reached my limit. I couldn't hold it in. You think you have your whole life planned out perfectly with no flaws, but you don't. Life is unpredictable and it is a mystery. We never know what might happen the following day and we tend to forget the yesterday. We live in the now because we will remember those tiny moments in that split second. That is why many people will come and go from your life. They will make lasting impressions on you and unfortunately take a piece of your heart with them -- but it's only temporary. The heart will only keep beating. What was taken is always returned in the end.We shouldn't look back on those memories with despair and gloom.
I took off the blue plastic ring I had won as a prize at an arcade. He had one too. I don't know if he still has it, but I will always keep mine as a reminder of the good times. That was how I wanted to remember him. I wanted to remember the good times we shared and all the times we would laugh together. That was what mattered the most to me.
Sometimes the good memories are all we need to keep going.
