When tragedy touches the lives of those around us, we are generally at a loss for words. Yet when we experience the tragedy ourselves, we seem to think of a million things that would comfort us, but no one around us seems to get it.

Because we are so uncomfortable with grief, we often support the grieving with phrases like “stay strong.” We don’t want to be too intrusive, too insensitive, too emotional, or too anything, so we often cover all our bases by telling our friends or family to “stay strong.”

Staying strong is sometimes not the best way to cope.

Although we mean well by saying this, it can sometimes be the exact opposite of what our friend or loved one needs. They may need someone to tell them it’s okay to break down, to cry, to go a little crazy, anything to help them at that particular moment. As an outsider, we may think that saying “stay strong” reflects that person’s resilience. We may think our words are ones of comfort and support by letting them know how strong they are. But they may not feel so strong. They may not want to be strong at all.

Another thing we forget is that grief is not linear, nor is it finite. Staying strong at that particular moment may be convenient, but putting on a permanently strong face can be counterproductive when grieving. You may feel confident and capable one day and in pieces the next. We have somehow become conditioned to push away the uncomfortable emotions and to never let outsiders see us grieve. How comfortable you are with sharing your grieving publicly can certainly vary, but you should never hide it from yourself.

This is not all to say that staying strong is not the answer.

It often times is.

Being able to pick yourself up and carry on is healthy. Sometimes, many of us are expected to stay strong for the sake of our family and friends – to be the rock, the one everyone leans on for support. But no one needs to be strong constantly. None of us are. It is natural to lose your strength in a time of tragedy.

The next time you find someone you care about that needs your help, ask them.

“What’s the best way for me to help you cope? Do you need someone to listen, someone to vent to, someone to cheer you up or distract you?” Let them know your heart is with them. This will give you a better idea of how to move forward in comforting them. Avoiding verb-heavy statements like “stay strong” will alleviate some of the pressure they are facing.

Unboxing those emotions can be difficult and painful. But, it is by no means weak. If anything, the best way to “stay strong” is becoming acquainted with your grief.