Can we all just be blunt here? Most of us stay awake at night, trying to fall asleep. Instead we wrestle with our thoughts at night, it seems like that's when they consume us the most. Our brains run like clockwork throughout the days events and we stare at the ceiling, just thinking. It's most likely the only time we can do this; the precious few hours we have in the day to sit in silence and have our thoughts go unprovoked by constant distractions and detours.
I don't think I'm alone in saying when I look up at the ceiling at night. I think of someone in particular, someone special to me. They barge into my thoughts, without my consent. I don't choose to think about this person, YOU don't choose to think about that somebody. But there you find your thoughts, focused on them, like a magnified telescope with the disk turned slightly too far to the right.
When we think of this individual, we ask ourselves; I wonder if he or she ever thinks about me late at night when their thoughts are most intimate. We wonder if they want to pick up the phone and talk to us as badly as we desire to talk to them?
I personally doubt the person I sit and think about would ever want to listen to my voice for hours on end. But if that were all I could have, I'd take it. When I'm with (when I used to spend time with this individual) I would be the happiest person on the planet earth. It's hard to find someone that makes you that happy, that gives you butterflies whenever you are with them. They probably don't even know how much they mean to you. And if you've never had the opportunity to discover someone who brings about this euphoria within you...then I feel bad for you.
Having such strong emotions take over you is a surreal feeling. When you find yourself with that special someone, you see, maybe for the first time ever, just how beautiful life can be. Don't take the time with them for granted. God, please don't. Someday, they might just disappear from your life. Maybe they come back in it from time to time or by accident, but it wasn't like before, it isn't the same.
That's when you find yourself, wide-awake at three in the morning staring up at your ceiling thinking about them. They lit a fire within you, and that fire will not die out. Yes, they're no longer a part of your daily life, but it still burns within you. The coal which keeps the flames hot is your heart. You long for them. The firewood is your brain, your thoughts. The firewood keeps the fire burning, and the coal is there to make sure that the fire is not only burning, but burning fiercely, with hot flames.
Without realizing it, this individual, her and I, built a fire together. I gathered the firewood and the coal. Her only job was lighting it. And as she lit it, the flames slowly started consuming the coal and firewood, it was beautiful. Red, orange, and yellow danced upon the coals and in between the wood. We sat together for a period of time, and enjoyed the flickering of each and every flame. We enjoyed the warmth of the fire; it's bright presence in an otherwise dark world. The fire provided me with an indescribable happiness. But the flames that use to provide that happiness brought me unrest and a great sadness once she had left me. The flames no longer danced but carried on nonetheless, almost in a lifeless manor. I wanted (and still want to) put the fire out, but it seems impossible. It still burns within me everyday. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that others spend the dark of night, consumed, by such thoughts such as this. Maybe I'm not. I wish someone else would tell me that they too, have a fire they cannot put out. Someone I could relate to about the coal, the wood, and the flames dancing. If there was someone like that, I'd gladly come let them join me by the fire. The flames might not dance anymore, but maybe they'd appreciate the small amount of warmth the fire still produced. Who knows.
In college we are surrounded by a massive amount of individuals. Thousands of other people are within reach. It may be hard to fathom, but sometimes, we feel the loneliest in this setting. It’s hard to explain, but we can all relate. You’re not alone.
