The solar system was formed approximately 4.6 billion years ago. During the formation of the solar system, the sun and planets were created, as well as small gas giants we call stars. Much like human beings, stars are created, and then die at the end of their life span. However, their life span lasts several billion years, and forms what we know as a “black hole” when they die. Today, there are over two-hundred billion stars in our solar system. However, from Earth the naked eye can only see about five-thousand. In prospective, imagine the night sky we see every evening, and multiply that by forty-thousand. Much like our lives, the universe is full of endless possibilities and components that make it so incredibly wonderful and beautiful, but yet scary and mysterious.
Space has always fascinated me. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always had a love for astronomy and the idea that there is so much more out there than just the world we know and the people and physical features we are surrounded by. My father introduced me to stargazing the night before my first day of Kindergarden. Outside on our back deck, he pointed out all of the various constellations and well-known stars. He told me stories about the moon, and explained to me what planets were. Ever since then, I have been hooked. My love for stargazing and space grew immensely through out the course of my life up to present day.
It was a crisp and cold winter night. The bright full moon lit up the sparkling snow under my feet as my friends and I walked to the observatory located a mile away from our camp site. I remember sixth grade as one of the best years of my life, full of laughter and some of the closest friendships I’ve ever had. I was old enough to do things on my own and make decisions for myself, but also young enough to play pretend and immerse myself in my imagination. In January of 2008, my entire sixth grade class went to Mount Evans for a week to explore the wilderness and gain an appreciation for the outdoors and the beauty Colorado holds. It was the highlight of my entire year, and my friends and I would run around and stay up late making S’mores and looking up at the clear and starlit sky. That night the star Betelgeuse was big and bright, twinkling in the Orion constellation. It’s blue tint made it completely bewildering and mesmerizing, completely unique from any other star nearby.
Betelgeuse (pronounced Beetlejuice) is located 640 light years away from Earth. At only 10 million years old Betelgeuse is already near the end of its lifespan and is expected to explode as a supernova in the next million years. Based on ancient Egyptian hyrogliphics, Betelgeuse was thought of to be the star of Osiris, the God of water. Because of it’s bluish tint, Egyptians thought Betelgeuse was a sign that Osiris would send plentiful amounts of rain the following Spring, allowing their crops to grow and be fully irrigated with water.
The next time I can remember stargazing was the night that my parents announced to my brother and I that they would be getting a divorce. The sky was dark, and the moon was completely covered by Earth’s shadow. I remember anticipating the news, having a gut feeling as they asked my brother and I into the kitchen that the heartbreaking, fated words “We’re getting a divorce” were about to spill out of my mothers mouth. As we walked into the room, she sat at her normal spot at the kitchen table. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face and nose were red and puffy. Her hair was messy, and I can still see her sitting there, looking old and drawn. My fathers expression, however, was one I will never forget. Although he's a strong man, I could see the hurt in his eyes, the pain and sadness he felt filled the room with a depressing vibe. When the conversation was over, my mind was blank and my face read the same. I was emotionless, empty, and numb. My family had been in a very bad dynamic for quite some time. A once happy and silly family became narcissistic and angry with one another. Fights at the dinner table were so often, I couldn't remember eating a meal without there being one. I slowly stood up from the kitchen table, and proceeded to the back door where I let myself onto the deck, and gazed up at the black sky. Tears didn't start to fall until I knew I was completely alone. And since I was surrounded by darkness, it reflected the feelings inside my heart, mind, and soul. I felt alone, and completely confused. My mind begin to flood with thoughts about the future, and the extremely difficult journey I knew I was about to endure. With my brother off to college in just five months, and my parents at each others throats for money, items in the house, and custody over me, I was not mentally prepared to take on such a traumatic event. But, somehow, stargazing that evening calmed my thoughts. It allowed me to be there in the present moment, and for the situation sink in.
Aquila is a constellation that is visible in the northern hemisphere every spring and summer. According to ancient greek mythology, Aquila was an eagle that was the messenger of Zeus, a well known God that ruled Mount Olympus. One day, a hardworking mortal named Ganymede was approached by Aquila. The eagle was sent by Zeus to bring Ganymede to Mount Olympus and begin his new life as a helper to the Gods. The constellation Aquila is the mark of a new start to life, and a brand new beginning.
The final time I remember stargazing was one of the last nights of summer before my first year at the University of Colorado. It was a warm, windy night and the sky was full of stars. The eastern horizon was tinted yellow from the glow of the Denver city lights, but towards the mountains were crystal clear constellations that looked like bright fireflies in the night. It was the end of an old chapter in my life, and the beginning of a brand new one.
I had recently gone through a very difficult and emotional breakup, that haunted my thoughts almost every second of everyday. Our love story is nothing too extravagant, we knew of each other and then became close friends the beginning of my senior year when we had multiple classes together. One class that we had together was a new one offered by my high school called Contemporary World Issues. It was a class that focused on many topics not discussed in good company, i.e. politics, religion, and sex. Although the class was quite taboo for a high school senior, through it I discovered much about myself such as my views and beliefs on the world we live in. I went from a christian to an agnostic, and a somewhat conservative to a social liberal. And through out the course of the semester, I found that Chandler and I would discuss our beliefs and topics surrounding the class quite often. I quickly fell in love with him mind, and the way we could connect and communicate on virtually anything. We had extremely deep conversations, and I knew that he knew me better than many of my close friends and family members. He understood the way my mind worked, and together we grew as individuals. I was so immersed in his mind and the way that we connected that it was easy for me to push aside the red flags such as his addiction to marijuana.
At the end of the summer, I noticed my relationship with Chandler was not making me happy, nor was it something that fulfilled me. He was distant, constantly flaking on plans to smoke with his friends, and often forgetful and oblivious to very pressing issues that had arisen in our relationship. The last few weeks before heading to school in Boulder, I would find myself constantly unhappy, and constantly in tears. How could the guy I had once talked about having a forever future with now be a heart-wrenching memory that was quickly becoming a part of my past? I can remember going insane, becoming a person I never thought I would ever become. I would drive by his house late at night just to see if his car was there. I would text his friends, casually asking if he was with them or not. I became so obsessed that I lost a big part of myself.
The breakup was inevitable, and came on a rainy day at the end of June. We went to the Zoo, a place where we had at one time had our very first date. As he pulled up to my house and retrieved his pipe from the center counsel, something he knew bothered me, I knew it was time. I looked at his, face hot and burning as tears flooded my eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. I think this is where we part ways.” The words burned the back of my throat as he met my eyes with his. I could tell by the look on his face that he was relieved. He was finally free from my nagging and constant anger, and as much as I didn't want to be, I was free as well.
A few nights later I found myself laying on the driveway at my fathers new house. It was a warm, windy night and the sky was full of stars. The eastern horizon was tinted yellow from the glow of the Denver city lights, but towards the mountains were crystal clear constellations that looked like bright fireflies in the night. It was the end of an old chapter in my life, and the beginning of a brand new one. I couldn't sleep, but my thoughts of Chandler were for once silenced as I gazed into the beautiful night sky and looked optimistically into the future. Both nervous and excited, I was thrilled for my new experience of going to college. I was so ready to get away from my hometown, so ready to be alone and away from all the drama of my parents ongoing divorce and the heartache of an earth shattering breakup. I was so ready to start a new chapter in my life, one that I was determined to make a better one. As I peered up at all the constellations, my mind began to do a rewind through my entire life. Images of my former elementary aged self laying at the planetarium, completely fascinated with the stories we were told. I thought about my third grade project, and my presentation to my fellow classmates on the International Space Station and how one day I planned on being an astronaut. Tears filled my eyes as I mourned my childhood and fond memories that seemed so hard to come by as I grew older.
Looking back on these memories of stargazing now, I realize that stargazing was important to me for many reasons. It was my way of escape, and my way of extracting myself from a harsh reality. I used it as a coping mechanism, and as a way to take a step back and look at a situation from the outside. Although many of my memories stargazing were during difficult times in my life, they were also during very monumental moments in my life. I find that many of my stargazing moments occurred before a new year in school, during a very special day or significant event in my life, or during an internal epiphany where I would realize something new about my life or a specific situation. Although I don't find the time to stargaze a lot, I still to this day find time to do it when I need an emotional break or an escape to think and remember who I am and how far I have truly come.
The universe is 4.6 billion years old, and it still has many billions of years to be in existance. Its beauty and majesty is something we know so little about, and there is much to be discovered.
