I scream you scream we all scream for coffee because we've all been brainwashed into thinking the overpriced latte that the slightly cranky barista crafts for us is totally the best thing in the world. Based on random surveys and judgmental opinions I've come to the conclusion that certain types of people order specific drinks. So, without further ado I'll bring you your very own coffee zodiac. Minus the overgeneralized astrological signs.

Caramel Macchiatto (hot): You came to Starbucks for the first time in a group of people and had absolutely no idea what you were doing. The strange names for small, medium, and large gave you anxiety and the delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee muddled your mind. Your friend, a self-proclaimed coffee expert told you to try this mysterious beverage with a hard to pronounce name. So you did. And now, since it doesn't taste too bad but it's nothing exciting, you keep ordering it because you're a creature of habit and change it scary. You like your comfort zone and are scared to step out of it. But it's okay, your caramel macchiatto accepts your faults and welcomes you into its warm embrace with open arms topped oh so carefully with delectable caramel drizzle.

Caramel Macchiatto (iced): You fucking love Instagram. Your Instagram theme is always carefully maintained and your only goal in life is to garner more followers with picture perfect beverages. The whole world knows that an iced caramel macchiatto is the most photogenic beverage what with its milky white bottom and dark, rich looking top of espresso and caramel. You don't even really care what the drink tastes like, it's edible and looks fucking amazing with your favorite Instagram filter.

Extra hot Chai tea latte with no water and no foam: You're the type of person that wakes up in the morning, makes eggs and puts copious amounts of hot sauce on them. You like life like you like your coffee; familiar with a spicy aftertaste. You're a very traditional person but you aren't afraid to step out of the lines to spice things up.

Vanilla Bean Frappuccino: You've got a serious sweet tooth and you're not afraid to show it. Coffee is disgusting but Starbucks is the cool, hip place to go and you wouldn't be caught dead not joining in on the current fad. You're also very, very basic but who cares when you can sip on a drink this delicious and enjoy time with your large group of friends?

Caramel Frappuccino with EXTRA EXTRA caramel drizzle: You don't mind the taste of coffee but you're not quite ready to commit to it's bold flavor without masking it with sugar yet. You're pretty sassy and don't like it when you aren't in control of your life. You need the extra caramel drizzle because sometimes you get so salty and negative about life you need some extra sweet drizzle in your frap to remind you that life is great, you're great, and this frappuccino is frigging amazing.

Skinny Vanilla Latte: You're probably a parent of more than one kid that likes to run around and scream wildly. You don't just want the coffee, you NEED the coffee. You're pretty conscious about your figure and want to maintain your smexy bod. You're probably the cool parent on the block, not too serious but not too willing to let your kids go absolutely crazy. You're the perfect balance of mature and playful.

Decaf soy sugar free hazelnut latte steamed to exactly 162 degrees, stirred, with two shots affogato: You like to be in control of your life. You absolutely cannot handle not being in control of something. You know what you like and if it's not 100% correct you need to have it redone until it's perfect.

Earl Grey Tea: You're fancy. You like the more luxurious things in life. You like things to be neat and clean. Your bank account never dips below $500 and you're savings account could probably put three kids through college at Harvard. You're careful with you're money and picky when it comes to eating out or choosing decor for your home. You're not uptight, you've got a fun spunky personality but you never get too crazy or frivolous.

Doppio Espresso: You don't fuck around. You're hardcore about life and your coffee. You tend to be a bit spontaneous and jump into things before fully thinking them through. Like espresso you're quick to change your tune. One moment you're happy and giddy and then next you can easily sink into a dark stupor.

Plain old black coffee: You just like coffee. It's great as it is and doesn't need anything fancy in it to taste delicious. You're a simple person, you like taking walks in the park or reading by a well lit window. You go with the flow and aren't overly concerned with anything in particular.

Ice Water (ordered at the register): You are god's gift to man.

Ice Water (ordered at the hand off bar): You are Satan unleashed on the poor, innocent baristas of the world.