I am the girl that people refer to as “too nice”. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a kind and gentle person. Except for when those who reek of negativity find you and take advantage of you. The worst part is letting them. Knowing what is going on but not having the heart to change it is what makes you feel less than what you are. But, after years of allowing people to be selfish and take from me, I’ve learned how to not let it affect me personally. It can still happen of course (and probably will), but I want to share how I am able to stand up for myself.

The most important thing to remember when you have to assert yourself is that how you were treated is not a response to you or your actions, it is simply a reflection of the person themselves. What I always say is that if I were annoyed with a friend, it’s not because they are annoying. That doesn’t mean you have to ignore them and let them continue to treat you this way. Help guide them to awareness that their words and actions affect others. It is important to understand that the impact the person had on you isn’t necessarily due to what they said, it is also the way you feel about what they said. So reprimanding someone isn’t a sure way to handle things. Let them know how you were affected by saying “I feel” instead of “you made me feel”. Approaching the person with “I” and not “you” is a good way to make sure you’re not being accusatory which will allow for an effective conversation.

How you communicate with someone is just as important as what you’re saying. I tend to ignore what bothers me and neglect to assert myself because I often contemplate “what’s the point?” If I do end up bringing up an unpleasant interaction I had with a person I’m afraid they’ll tend not to be open minded and won’t listen. Instead, they’ll just be quick to defend themselves which just brings more frustration to an already uncomfortable situation. But I have this bad habit of assuming the worst which I have learned is not the right response, because then the feelings stemming from that experience will be bottled up and it will hurt more. If either parties do happen to get frustrated or defensive, then take a breather and walk away. How you communicate will have a lasting effect on the relationship in question, so don’t converse while either of you are upset.

Eye contact is imperative. Be confident in yourself and the words you have carefully chosen so that your point can effectively get across. Of course, it is important to do this without being disrespectful so that the tables can’t be turned. Carefully chosen words won’t give the opportunity for the tables to be turned causing you may end up feeling more hurt than if you had just ignored the situation in the first place. Trust me, I know what it’s like trying to communicate your feelings with someone who directly affected them. Too many times I allowed the person to dismiss me and make excuses. After all, it is easy to put someone down once their chin is already towards the ground. Just remember it is possible to be direct and respectful at the same time although often our emotions get in the way and cloud our response to a situation. So be confident with what you’re saying and make sure each party is heard.

Personally, I know how to stand up for myself and have prepared a direct and respectful conversation to use based on what I know about my reaction to a dispute or getting my feelings hurt, but as the saying goes “easier said than done”. It doesn’t mean utilizing these tricks are impossible. Go to a friend or someone neutral in the situation to better understand it from the outside and then practice talking out loud before initiating a real conversation. Remove any bias and go in with an open mind. It is easier to be heard if you are willing to listen.