Face it, folks, we entered a new "Golden Age of Comedy." It never has been easier to get a stand-up special on TV, especially with Netflix and HBO churning them out like a Mormon Polygamist churns out future sister wives. Nowadays every Tom, Dick and Sally has their own half-hour of stand-up comedy that leaves the audience rolling in the aisles with laughter.

But what about you, dear reader? Do you have a stand-up set? You don't? Not to worry! I developed the perfect template for you to have the tightest five-minute set to try out at your local Yuck Hut's open mic night. Just fill in the blanks and you'll be the next Comedy Czar!

Hello [TOWN]! How's everybody doing tonight? Having a great night? Enjoying your drinks? Excellent! Speaking of drinks, who here has an alcoholic parent? It's great! My [PARENT] is probably one of the heaviest drinkers you will ever meet. I'm not kidding! One time [PARENT] got so drunk that they ran a red light at [LOCAL INTERSECTION] and accidentally ran over [CHILD OF PROMINENT MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY]. Yeah, and now my [PARENT] is in prison awaiting the [EXECUTION METHOD OF YOUR CHOICE].

Speaking of [CHILD OF PROMINENT MEMBER OF YOUR COMMUNITY], have you noticed how sexy 16 year olds are these days? The other day I was driving past [LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL] and saw this hot piece of ass on the sidewalk, and I was like [COMEDIC SOUND EFFECTS THAT IMPLY EJACULATION]. Like, is it just me, or does One Direction make some super sexy underpants? Every time I pull down a girl's skirt and see Harry smiling up at me I'm just like [COMEDIC SOUND EFFECTS THAT IMPLY EJACULATION].

I'm just kidding, I'm not a pedophile. Unless you live in my neighborhood, in that case, yes I am a pedophile and I am legally required to tell you that. Let's see, what's in the news, what's in the news? Oh, did you hear about this? It turns out [MINORITY GROUP] has been protesting for [BASIC HUMAN RIGHT]. Can you believe that? I mean, first we gave [MINORITY GROUP] [ANOTHER BASIC HUMAN RIGHT], and now they want us to give them [FIRST BASIC HUMAN RIGHT]?! What's up with that? Those damn [SLUR FOR MINORITY GROUP] are so crazy! Have you ever notice how [MINORITY GROUP] talk like this [OFFENSIVE IMPRESSION OF MINORITY GROUP] —those crazy [SLUR FOR MINORITY GROUP]! It's okay, I can say that, my sister-in-law once slept with a [SLUR FOR MINORITY GROUP].

Speaking of sex, who here has had an abortion? Did you get to keep it afterward or did they sell it for illegal government testing? I'm asking for a friend. What's that? My time's up? Well thank you very much, y'all have been a great audience. Don't forget, vaccines cause autism! Good night [CITY]!