Stage 1: Scrolling

There you are, Ben & Jerry's in hand, scrolling through Facebook after a long shift trying destress.

Stage 2: Recognition

You see a name you vaguely remember from high school pop up on your timeline, usually your ex. You briefly even wonder why you're still even on Facebook, let alone still friends with them, but curiosity gets the best of you anyway and you proceed with the post.

3. Initial Contact

And then you see it.

A Big

Fat

Ring

Stage 4. Denial

You stare at your phone and just cannot accept the reality. This person cannot be engaged before you—this person who put you through the ringer, or the person who back in high school you personally witnessed shotgun a 4Loko in your best friend's basement, or the person who barely made it through 10th-grade geometry.

This could not be happening.

Stage 5: Justifying

You start thinking of all the elaborate excuses that could possibly contribute to this earth-shattering discovery: unplanned pregnancy, the need for US citizenship, mail order partner, the works.

Stage 6: Jealously

Visions of all the Pinterest boards you have been curating since you were fifteen years old dance in your head. Now someone else is one step closer to the magnolia arrangement archways and handwritten dog of honor signs of your dreams.

Stage 7: Bargaining

You briefly consider all the options you could pursue to be in the same boat. See stage 5 for examples.

Stage 8: Acceptance

When all the subsidies, you realize you're sitting alone with a pint of ice cream being bitter about someone you vaguely know any more on Facebook who is just out living their best life.

Stage 9: Seeking help

You screenshot every single post and picture having to do with it and send it promptly in the group chat. If you're going to heal, a good over analyzation and gossip session about the situation is the only way.