If you don't drink coffee on a regular basis, I honestly don't know how you make it through the day. Some people like to joke about how much they drink, but real coffee-holics, the kind that get a headache if it's been more than a few hours without a sip, and don't believe there's such a thing as too much caffeine flavored foods; this one's for you. You're not alone. The coffee-less struggle is real.
Stage One: Confused
If there's not coffee on-hand or nearby within the first hour that I'm up, not only am I confused about what Hell I woke up in, but chances are I'm confused about anything. Honestly, without a cup of joe first thing in the morning, it's a miracle I manage to put clean underwear on each day.
Stage Two: What.
I title this stage simply "What." because that's literally what I say to anyone who tries to talk to me during said stage. Forming a response, or any cognitive function really, is literally impossible. Paying attention in class, writing a paper, socializing, words are all impossible when the deprivation has reached stage two.
Stage Three: Anger
Where. Is. My. Coffee. Why. Does. God. Hate. Me. What. Cruel. Joke. Is. The Universe. Playing. On. Me.
Stage Four: Defeat
I'm done. Today's over. Call me when it's Friday.
Stage Five: Pity Me
Usually, by this stage, I've been a big enough of a drama queen that some kind soul has taken pity on me and shown me where I can get some nectar of the Gods (coffee). I don't normally like people feeling sorry for me, but when it's about something as serious as my sanity, I don't mess around.
Stage Six: The Wait
Whether it's in line at the coffee shop, or eagerly in front of a Keurig, this is the longest, and least bearable of all the stages. My body literally buzzes with anticipation and need for the steamy and warm beverage.
Stage Seven: Consumption
Praise be to God, Jewish God, Allah and whoever the heck is up there too. Don't let me experience this again. I promise I'll never sin again. I will pray every night and I'll even stop watching Netflix and start doing my chemistry homework when I'm supposed to. Just please never let this happen to me again.
Stage Eight: Rinse and Repeat
Stages One through Seven as soon as the drink is gone.
