I have always thought phones these days are far too fragile. Why did we abandon the brick-like design of the Nokia? Who needs sleek and attractive when you have sturdy and blockish? Brick phones doesn't smash into pieces when they slips ever so gently from your lofted bed down onto the unforgiving tile floor. Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel as though your mobile device should be built to withstand such common accidents. In my experience, however, they do not. Your phone breaks. Sometimes a lot. And sometimes beyond repair. Seeing as I am somewhat of an expert on the matter, I have come up with a guide to help you through the five stages of grief--from having a really broken phone.
1. Denial
No. No. Just. Nope. It'll be fine. Cracks are purely a cosmetic issue. And that black spot in the middle of the screen? It adds character! Oh, look at that. The "a" key isn't working. Huh. That's probably just temporary. How often do you use the letter "a" anyway. Just gotta ride it out. Turn it off. Turn it back on. That's always a fool-proof fix. Maybe plug it in. Clean the screen off. What's this? A shard of glass embedded in your hand? How strange. Wonder where that came from.
2. Anger
NO NO NO NO NO. Piece of shit. The world is evil and life is unfair. Your sister has had her phone as long as you have and she's never broken it. Maybe you should go break her phone. That would probably make you feel better. This is all that dumb bitch with the ponytail's fault. If you hadn't been admiring how long and pretty it was, you would've noticed that crack in the sidewalk that made you trip and drop your phone. She probably did it on purpose. Go find her and cut her ponytail off.
3. Bargaining
Okay you can fix this. This is so fixable. Never has anything been more fixable. You'll just go to the Apple Store and they'll give you a new one. So what if you have no money? Just flirt with the guy at the store, and it'll be fine. Is that gross? Maybe that's gross. Bake them cookies! That's not prostitute-y. And everyone loves cookies. Phone for cookies. Seems like a fair trade.
That might not actually work. Just go steal your sister's phone. That's what sisters are for.
4. Depression
Just forget it. You don't need a phone. All you need is a bed and blankets to hide under. And maybe like a half a dozen donuts or so to drown your sorrows in. Nobody talks to you anyway. You've missed no texts, no calls, no snapchats. Not even a measly Facebook notification. Nobody loves you. That's probably why your phone took a dive. It couldn't stand to live in the pocket of a loser with nothing to do all day but receive a bunch of emails from Domino's.
5. Acceptance
It was inevitable, really. That it was going to break. You fall up or down stairs on the daily. Your phone was just another casualty in your lifelong fight against gravity. It's time to let go of your broken, spastic ghost of a phone and get a new one. Somehow. It might be time for some pleading and promises of eternal indebtedness to your parents. Whatever. You'll do what you gotta do, get a new phone, and encase it in bubble wrap for as long as you both shall live.
