Ever since sixth grade I’ve surrounded myself with a giant wall. Starting those dreaded awkward years of being a preteen brought on a lot of problems. Whether it was friends, family problems or other pointless drama, I faced a lot of things that I had no idea how to deal with. Therefore, I began to build a wall around myself. I thought I was protecting myself from the pain and emotions that came with dealing with the problems I faced, instead I created a whole other set of problems for myself. I suppressed emotions and dealt them in an unhealthy way. My story is not a far cry from the things that many other teens face.
It’s a scary feeling knowing that you literally are your own worst enemy and it’s a harsh reality check when you finally realize that you are the one who’s causing yourself more pain. You have built up a wall around yourself to keep pain out but in the end you have isolated yourself and created more pain then you know how to handle. It isn’t until you wake up one day and realize you can no longer continue on in life with trying to avoid emotions.
I spent years faking smiles and laughter, in order to seem normal. But behind that wall was a scared girl who didn’t know what to do. I’ve learned the hard way that emotions are not something to be taken lightly or ignored. While it's extremely hard to face a problem head on, in the end it’s much easier than having to deal with it down the road.
To this day, I know I still have a wall up around myself. I am not one to trust people or let them in easily. But instead of being a girl surrounded by a wall with no emotions, I am now one who cares deeply about anyone she lets in. Sometimes I care too much and take the problems of those I love personally. I’ve learned one very important lesson emotions and dealing with life’s problems are what make life worth living.
Going through life without feeling the pain and other negative emotions, help to make the joyous moments even more happier. Now that may sound like a simple cliché that everyone says, but as someone who’s hit rock bottom, I can tell you that it is one hundred percent true. I own my past, I made mistakes, handled situations in an unhealthy way, but in the end I learned so much more about myself and life in general. I needed my past and my mistakes in order to have become the strong woman I now am. I’m not ashamed of my past, I look back at the scared girl and wish I would have read an article like this.
Having a wall is both a good and bad thing. It allows you to filter those who you choose to become close to but don’t ever use it as an excuse to not experience life. As one of my favorite songs, I Lived by OneRepublic, goes “but until my moment comes, I’ll say I did it all…with every broken bone, I swear I lived.”
