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If Spongebob's Dating Profile Looked Like This, Would You Swipe Right?

It's worth asking.

Gabby Triolo

Jun 12, 2020

Pennsylvania State University

555

Instagram/@spongebob

Spongebob is a fun-loving and all-around good sponge to get to know. He is on the hunt for the perfect person for him. He wants to have somebody in his life that will love and support him and his goals. He is the hottest commodity in ALL of Bikini Bottom.

About SpongeBob

Age: Unclear
Height: 4... inches
School: The Town Boating School
Job: Fry Cook
Location: Bikini Bottom
Hometown: A pineapple under the sea, Bikini Bottom
Interested In: His career, getting his license, annoying Squidward, going on adventures, taking care of his pet snail Gary, jellyfishing

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Celebrating Pride with the LGBTQ+ community and their allies this month and every month 🌈 ⁣ (🎨: by @space.ram)
A post shared by Nickelodeon (@nickelodeon) on Jun 13, 2020 at 6:19am PDT

SpongeBob's Preferences:

Dogs or cats? He is not sure what either of these are, but snails are his favorite pet.
Night owl or morning person? Morning person for sure.
Favorite sport? Jellyfishing
Favorite band? "Band Geeks"
Squidward or Plankton? Squidward is Spongebob's favorite person in the whole wide world, so this is a no-brainer.

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My leg! @Nickelodeon is creating #SpongeBob spin-offs! 🤯 Link in bio.
A post shared by SpongeBob SquarePants (@spongebob) on Feb 14, 2019 at 7:15am PST

Never has SpongeBob ever _________.

Gotten his license.

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This is gonna be good
A post shared by SpongeBob SquarePants (@spongebob) on Oct 17, 2018 at 7:32am PDT

If there was one funny story from SpongeBob's life that perfectly describes him as a person it's this:

You know what's funnier than 24? 25.

Four qualities SpongeBob is looking for in a partner and one they're absolutely not:

Motivated in their career ✓
Good sense of humor ✓
Supportive ✓
Loves snails ✓
Somebody who eats at the Chum Bucket ✗

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Ugly, proud, & feeling nauti-cal
A post shared by SpongeBob SquarePants (@spongebob) on Jun 27, 2019 at 6:17am PDT

Want to respectfully slide into SpongeBob's DMs? They're open here:

Instagram: @Spongebob
Twitter: @Spongebob

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We're ugly & we're proud! Congrats #SpongeBob YouTube on 1 million subscribers!
A post shared by SpongeBob SquarePants (@spongebob) on Aug 20, 2019 at 10:04am PDT

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If Spongebob's Dating Profile Looked Like This, Would You Swipe Right?

It's worth asking.

About SpongeBob

SpongeBob's Preferences:

Never has SpongeBob ever _________.

If there was one funny story from SpongeBob's life that perfectly describes him as a person it's this:

Four qualities SpongeBob is looking for in a partner and one they're absolutely not:

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Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

2. You're super excited about your birthday the week before.

3. Your family flies in town to celebrate with you.

4. Your siblings wake you up.

5. Your friends are so excited to be with you on your big day.

6. If you work, your office might throw a party for you.

7. For your actual party, you plan a small get-together with close family and friends ...

8. ... or large celebration with everyone you know.

9. You eat the best meal you've had in weeks.

10. You devour the first piece of cake proudly.

11. You embarrass yourself somehow.

12. You get the present you really wanted but thought no one would get you.

13. You are a little sad about getting older.

14. That feeling wears off and you realize how happy you are to have family and friends to celebrate this day with you.

15. The morning after your birthday looks something like this.

Syllabus week doesn't exist.

All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

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2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!