It is a very scary thing to think that some people don't think like you, but more times than not it is the most honest truth. We are a species of brain dwellers, we are always in our heads and we very rarely choose to come out and see otherwise. I consider myself to be a very open minded person. I notice I only live off of my beliefs when it comes time to feel sympathy for another person, or when someone is being shamed. I relate almost all of my emotions to "tough love" because in almost any situation I feel as the the "victim" can just get over it. When there are people in my English class that claim they can't talk in front of a crowd because if their anxiety, or when there are kids who can't come to school because of their depression, I often assume they're just lazy. When I type it out it sounds absurd and extremely insensitive, but for some reason in my own brain, I carry around this stigma for excuses, but in reality, these excuses are legitimate.
Excuses of kids feeling anxious, depressed, and inadequate mentally, physically, and socially, are all so real. Within the past couple of weeks I've tried to crawl down from my attic of a brain and sit out on the porch of my heart to see others strolling by, to see how they feel living their lives. I've taken in many perspectives. For example, what it is like to be the socially awkward kid trying to get through one day of school.
This is how it went: you have to talk all the time, you have 20 different people all 8 periods and the day and if you don't talk, people think you're rude. They think there is something wrong with you and constantly ask, "Are you okay?" There are teachers at every corner asking for your smile in return for theirs, or they want to know what it's like for you in this new school year, but for some reason even a smile is hard to force out and even comprehending what to say back to them seems impossible. There are people literally everywhere; they swarm in the hallways and you have to find a way to get around them, to make it from one side to the other of a hallway all while thinking of the kids on your next class who you'd till have to talk to let alone the work your teacher will give you. After all of that, you get to go to your car after the mentally exhausting day. But there are people still looking at you, just sitting in your car and they're wondering, why you aren't talking to anyone and why your music is up so loud. They may not be wondering at all, but in your head everyone is worried about you, and no matter how many time your tell yourself they don't care, their eyes always seem to be looking at you and you always seem to be the name coming out of their mouths. It was something I've dealt with before
The next day I played the character of someone who is depressed. The biggest problem with that was that depression didn't make me bruised or beaten, depression didn't make me too thin and tired looking. No one knew that that day the biggest struggle was getting myself out of bed, that every task, like combing my hair, eating breakfast, and driving myself to school felt like hiking spruce knob, but I never made it to the top, I just kept tumbling to the bottom. When I got to school it was clock work. Smile here, laugh then, nod head sympathetically, carry on, talk to people I know it's hard, but you have to talk to people. The best part was that anxiety is depression's cousin so when the school work came around it wasn't just the thought of getting the homework done it was how fast you could do it and how it seemed that it would never be complete no matter how hard you've tried. It felt like i was in the middle of an ocean, like i couldn't breathe ever, and it felt very familiar.
After that it was time to look at myself in the mirror naked, yes naked, but the bad kind of naked. The kind where you're so totally honest with yourself that it hurt, I woke up an hour earlier than I normally do to put on make up and fix my hair, I picked out a really cute outfit and when i looked in the mirror with everything on, I might as well been have been naked, in my bare ugly skin because it was all a waste. I didn't feel pretty, or feel that people would like me. I went to school and everyone around me had prettier hair, whiter teeth, smaller pores, brighter eyes, they had boobs, small stomachs, strong legs, and everyone thought that they were pretty. I couldn't just talk myself out of it. I couldn't be "body positive" because my body was negative negative negative. At the trophy case and bathroom mirror I stole a glimpse of my exterior and prayed that it would get better. I spent every class period stalking Instagrams and Youtube videos of someway to make me feel better and look prettier. Something about this life made me think of my own.
I walked in the footsteps of my peers to see what it was like and with every step I took I felt as though I got closer to myself. It is because I suffer from all of these things. I get nervous about the people at school, I have trouble conquering the smallest of tasks and a lot of the time I'm more worried about how I look than what I'm doing in school. But in my head I tell myself to get over it, to think of the bigger picture and to stop worrying . But other people don't think like me. They can't just stop those thoughts because they don't know how. They use the excuse because it is a very valid one. If you're reading this and this is you, and you can't get out of that way of thinking, if you feel stuck and nervous and sad, I understand, and you should understand how other people feel. Take a day in someone else's shoes who doesn't care what other people think, and tries their best to relish in every aspect of life, and who has come to terms with the body that they have to live in everyday. know that you aren't alone. Know that their won't always be this stigma of diseases that don't have any physical side effects. Know that you are capable and beautiful and wonderful. You really really are. You can be so much better than what you think.
If you don't feel like this, know that people do, know to be empathetic, and understanding, and patient. Nothing bad can come from us understanding another point of view, so try to dust off that brain of yours and think with your heart.