The Holidays at home coming back from college are always a thing to look forward to. Getting to relax at home, eat homemade food, catch up on sleep and shows from Netflix or Hulu. However, not all families are going to be spending them together. Having divorced parents or family members and spending the holidays can make things dicey. Not just for the parents or family members but for the children as well.
Being a daughter of two parents who are separated and currently in the process of a divorce, I can attest to this. Holidays with my family wasn't easy to begin with when we were all together because we are a fun chaotic bunch, but since my parents are no longer together, debates on who gets to be with my sisters can be irritating and frustrating. Children don't wanna be spending it with a certain parent, and the parent may not always care about what they want to do or be in their best interest. Holidays may become more of a tired exhausting affair, rather than a time reserved for festivities and fun.
Thankfully, because I am an adult and have been exempt from my parents' custody agreement, I have the option of spending holidays elsewhere, avoiding the awkwardness that my sisters have to go through, which no doubt, they resent me for.. but for other people who cannot spend the holidays elsewhere, it can get tiring to try to squeeze in two Christmases to spend with Mom and Dad, or non-traditional parents.
However, for everyone who has had to grow up with a divorced family or cannot get out of the two-holiday arrangement like I have, people have dealt with it differently. I asked a few friends over facebook and text how they spend their holidays with their divorced families and their responses differed from person to person.
The first friend, Kate Holtermann, told me that she generally spent her Christmases with her mom and then celebrates with her dad a few days to a few weeks later depending on his availability. She expressed that she did not like it when her whole family doesn't spend it together because it can be difficult at times spending Christmas later with dad. Her mom spends their Christmases with their extended family that can take place over the period of a few days whereas with her dad, she celebrates with her, her brother and her dad for a shorter period of time. She likes spending her Christmases with her parents, but she did say that it can also cause conflict because the two parents are often in competition with each other on who gets the better presents or spends the most money on each child. She gives each parent a separate wishlist for Christmas so they don't get the same presents because otherwise it gets complicated.
The second friend I asked, Rochelle Hetrick, said that for her Christmas festivities, she opens presents with her Mom and her step-Dad and then spends the afternoon of the holiday with her Dad. When she was little she used to appreciate having two separate Christmases because that meant she was able to get twice as many presents, however, now that she is older and knows what the true meaning of Christmas is about, she wishes that her mom and her biological father were closer so she could spend the holiday with both of them. She also breaks up her wish list for both of her parents, because it makes it easier for both of them when it comes to getting her gifts.
The third friend I asked, Katie Risley, said that she spent every Christmas with her mom because her dad had moved far away after the divorce. She aid it was hard watching other families spend the holidays together, but her mom worked hard to make their Christmases special together. It made her appreciate very holiday she spent with her mom more, and it gave her the drive that she would create a better family for her kids one day. She remarked that it was a very tough and sad process but she got there.
The fourth person that commented, Melanie Campbell, said that her parents were divorced for a long time and her father has passed on, but despite her parents not being together when her dad was still alive, she still loved the holidays, because she got two from both sides of her parents. But, there were some downsides to it as well. She said that she wished her mom could have seen her and her siblings open presents at his house and vice versa.Her mother always sought to make Christmases special at her house by using something different each year and even including cats in the festivities. She mentioned that it was difficult, because as the years went on, she just wanted her parents to be together. As a kid, she looked forward to the two Christmases, but however, she wishes she could have spent it with both of them, that's what stuck out to her the most.
The fifth person who commented, Kyriea Rubin, remarked that growing up, the holidays changed every year, for one example, one Christmas eve would be spent with one parent and Christmas morning with the other and it would switch every year. She was 3 or 4 when the divorce happened, and when it was brand new for her, it was difficult for her to understand why her parents were apart. When her dad remarried she got even more confused and didn't like having to constantly travel back and forth because of the split custody agreements between her parents. The holidays were never easy for her growing up because the dynamics if being with each parent was different.
The sixth person who commented as Rochelle Hetrick's mom, Alison Day, who gave her two pieces from a parental point of view. She knew as a divorced parent that she wanted to make things easy as possible for her daughter, Rochelle to see everyone and not make any harmful negative comments that would hurt anyone. This was emphasized, because not only did she know that would hurt her child, but it would negatively affect her as well. She knew that it would only hurt Rochelle and ruin the spirit of the holidays.
The last person to comment was an old friend of mine, Marisa Bonamassa Cimino. Her parents are divorced and her dad doesn't support her or her sisters and isn't involved with them emotionally or financially. So her mother always made Christmas possible for her and her sisters, but every year when the holidays come around, she does feel a little broken, because she is reminded that her family is dismembered. Yet being conscious of that, she also feels extra appreciative of her mom because she always made the holidays special and has worked even harder to make them happen because her dad stopped fulfilling the father role. She enjoys spending the holidays with her mom, sisters, and close friends, and remarked fondly that they are her whole world. She says that divorce is definitely a tough thing to be going through and certainly takes awhile to cope with.
If your family is divorced, you may firsthand the effects of dealing with them over the holidays. For some, it is easier because it allows them to pick and choose who to spend the holidays with on the day of Christmas and who you will have to spend it with later. Whichever way you may spend it with your divorced family members, just know that if you are ever need help, feel free to reach out to friends and loved ones. No one should have to go through the holidays alone or deal with feuding parents, and you are not alone in this matter. Trust me, as a daughter whose parents are going through a divorce, my friends and boyfriend have helped me so much in getting through these times with their support and love, and I hope that all who are reading this have the same.
