I talk a lot. I'm not necessarily a talkative person, but I can talk a lot. I talk to usually say something important, to hear the sound of my voice (I spend a lot of time alone), or just to alter the mood silence leave.

As a person who talks a lot, I recognize the other people who talk a lot. I recognize how often they speak, what they speak about, and the reaction they get when they speak. It's my way of gauging how much noise I really need to make.

Over the last three years of college, I've been trying to change the way I talk. In this phase of young adulthood, I feel as if every word I say bears the assumption that there is research and knowledge behind it or unchecked nonsense. In such an information saturated age, the knee-jerk reaction to complete stupidity or niche genius almost feels inevitable.

So I tell myself in the hasty thirty seconds or less that my thoughts begin tp compose, "speak out, don't speak up".

The phrases 'speak up' and 'speak out' tend to be used together or interchangeably. You are encouraged to speak up and speak out about injustices women or minorities face. You should speak up/speak out, or no one will know what you're thinking about. But I find those phrases to mean work otherwise. You are asked to 'speak up or forever hold your peace' in a wedding ceremony. Make your objections known - create awareness. When you're attending a conference and the speaker whispers into the microphone, someone in the back of the room will always yell, "speak up, we can't hear you". Essentially, speak louder. If your principal walks into your classroom holding a defaced school picture and demands to know who did it and promptly growls, "somebody better speak up or you're all in trouble", that's his way of saying someone needs to be the whistleblower or claim responsibility. Out someone else or out yourself.

I conscientiously wanted to stop speaking up, that is, to stop making statements or asking questions just for base expression or awareness, repetitive yelling, or self/opinion centered thought (unless that was asked of me). Instead, I wanted to contribute to the silence with something that created movement or useful noise.

To me, speaking out didn't mean do everything opposite of speaking up. On the contrary, it meant pushing further than speaking up. Speaking out was to identify, process, and challenge the conversation or ideologies I was a bystander to. Speaking out was to be come actively engaged and thinking of how to further the conversation or illuminate other ways of thinking or expression. To me speaking out is the transition that silence often ends up being in dialogue or discourse.

And to break a silence, that on its own is just as powerful and as meaningful as the noise surrounding it, meant I had to constantly have a clear intent and open engagement in the spaces I wanted or felt the need to talk. I had to know what I did and didn't know, and express that in hopes of a positive outcome. And let me tell you, it was hard.

It is hard.

Sometimes my brain and my mouth would be at the Olympics and had to win the 100m gold for themselves, without waiting for the gun to go off or for the finish line to be put up. Sometimes my brain would be on fire and toss out all the things it thought was worth saving out the window, a.k.a. my mouth. Sometimes it was too much opinion and less knowledge, or too much knowledge and less empathy.

Even by my own definitions, I don't speak out 'right' and just find myself speaking up more. Sometimes I choose to be silent because I'm at a loss for words or understanding. Or I don't have the courage, confidence, or knowledge to "to put in my oar". But that isn't a problem, nor should it stop me. Often what causes anyone to speak out is the fact someone spoke up.

I have experienced so many great feelings and thoughts in my classes when teachers and classmates speak up and out. I have walked away at the end of the semester with insight and knowledge that never got graded, but proved so beneficial to my life. And as my collegiate career comes to an end, I recognize how talking the world outside my liberal arts course does. The speaking up is there 24/7 in all our of forms of media consumption. But we need to work on speaking out. To each other and to ideologies while figuring out how to do more than name or 'hear' each other, but how to process, challenge, and reconcile.

So this is me speaking up, so that someone can speak out. Don't just let me keep talking.