March Madness begins on March 15th and you, a poor innocent bystander, will likely be bombarded with “sports talk.” They’re expecting you to participate, but you just want to get out of a basketball conversation with as little damage to your reputation as possible. With these few pointers, you won’t need to admit that you know nothing about basketball.
1. In preparation for March Madness, intersperse the word “bracket” into your conversations.
Examples: “Have you filled out your bracket yet?” “What’s your bracket look like?” “I need to devote some serious time to filling in my bracket soon.”
Once the bracket subject has been broached, you can then ask if they’ve bet on it. This will keep the conversation going and it might even steer it in a different direction.
“I’m never sure if the risk is worth the reward with those betting pools.”
2. Talk about everything but the sport itself.
Examples: “These broadcasters are so dry.” “Do you know who’s got the best cheerleaders?” “Do you know where they are playing?”
You sound interested, but you don’t run the risk of falling down the “who won the 1989 championship” rabbit hole.
3. “These refs are calling so much. Just let them play!”
This statement is pretty much a catch-all, and it works for any competitive team sport. Do not state an opinion on the calls of the refs. You will likely get in an argument that you cannot sustain about whether the call was right or wrong. However, expressing a general love of the game and disdain for referee interference puts you on the right track.
4. "Who do you pick for the Cinderella team?”
There’s always one homegrown fresh-off-the-farm basketball team that skyrockets to the play-offs or has some other unexpected success. Just make sure that if you are asked the question back, you don’t pick a top-ranked team. Your best bet is to ask the question first and then agree with the sports fan in question.
5. When asked to predict the outcome of a game, make it about the mascots.
This is my go-to trick to make people think that I care deeply about the outcome of a game. I root for whichever mascot is cooler. Another alternative is picking the team with the most flattering colors.
6. If asked to defend your choice, simply say: "My family has always been a [fill-in-the-blank] fan."
Make up an uncle who went there if you have to. Nobody can argue with family loyalty, even if your team sucks.
7. Sweet 16 is not someone's birthday.
The second weekend of the tournament is called the “Sweet 16.” Use this term liberally. You get bonus points for using “Final Four” to refer to the semi-finals. Nobody uses the term “Elite Eight,” although a few have tried. Stick to 16 and four.
