How do you know that you're headed in the right direction? How am I supposed to know that what I’m doing right now is right and that it will all turn out in the end? How do we know that college isn’t bullshit? We don’t and that is scary as hell.

Have you ever asked yourself “what would I be doing if I wasn’t doing this right now”? As a college student who pays $30,000 to sit in a lecture hall and learn about blah blah blah, I think about it all the time.

I would live in New York, working for WhoWhatWear or Kleinfield, living in a studio flat with my pug, and making bank. I mean, that is the dream at least. What if that didn’t happen and I still wasn’t in school? Would I be still living at home working at Moe’s?

I am only 18…. But what about those girls I see on Instagram who are in France eating a scone, wearing a beautiful sundress and having the time of their lives? That girl is 19, a year older than me, and she is in Europe. Where did I misstep? How did she get ahead?

Why am I here and not there.

Let's think about this: I was told that if I attend college and make good grades, I will graduate and get a job and be successful. That’s a heavy layer of sugar coating. Let me rephrase: If I attend college, make good grades, be involved in every organization, do internships, make money on the side, have a good social life, graduate ON TIME, search for a job, pay off my student loans, I could be successful.

That girl on Instagram is 19 and in France. No grades, no loans, already making money and gaining experience.

What the actual hell.

There is no guarantee that I will get a good job, or a job for that matter. I will be buried in student debt. I will be stressed out of my mind, more than I am right now trying to study for four tests and getting myself ready for finals?

Why did I get put here and she got put in France? Why Why WHY?

Welcome to my Soulfight.

In this world we have to fight to get the job, to be pretty, to be successful, to matter. It is a scary, brutal fight and I have a 50/50 chance of winning. I would kill to be the girl in France. I hope and pray that one day I get to be, that everything works out, that I win my fight.

I’ll root for you if you root for me.