In the past couple of days, I have been going through versions of myself that I possibly wanted to move on from - keeping the caring person I am but dropping them that, like, fights with my friends. For the most part, it was easy to shuffle through the MANY, many, I's, until I got to one version I had no idea what to do with: the one that says sorry too often, even when it's not my fault.
My relationship with the word sorry has been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember. It's used as a form of self-defense that has held on tightly in my life. It has felt safer and less scary to say sorry than to argue and make others take responsibility and risk ruining relationships.
The first memory I have of hiding my emotions to better someone's outlook on me was back in fourth grade, although I'm certain it's happened plenty before that. Every year we'd watch videos on 9/11 so, naturally, I would cry before, during, and after these. Instead of sticking up for myself to the bullies, I apologized.
Later that same year, I got in trouble for not following the dress code, my tank top was less than 3 fingers thick, I apologized. Less than a week after that, I was told my legs were "too hairy", so I said I was sorry. On that same day, I borrowed my sister's razor and shaved my legs for the first time. That was the same week I begged my mom to buy me makeup because I wanted to hide my ugly face that, "looked like a raccoon".
I had apologized for that, too.
Growing up was always confusing. With powerful woman telling you to be yourself but with everyone always criticizing for being yourself, you get lost and confused. Dress codes in place so that you're not too "distracting" for your male co-students or told you can no longer walk around by yourself for fear of what cat-calling guy has decided to act upon his wants.
Here are two things that have helped me remind myself, I don't have to always say sorry for myself:
1. Realize that you cannot live up to anyone or anything.
You can only do your best you. Not the "be everything and have everything perfect and figured out" you, but the you who knows who you look up to, your inspirations, and your goals. No matter who you look up to, remind yourself, they still had to go through rough times and they made it through, so you can, too.
Guillermo del Toro tweeted something that really fits this whole idea, "Favorite movies don't have to be perfect movies. Like any relationship, Love is what makes them stick around."
2. What seems like the end of the world, in a week it will seem so minuscule.
And what seems like the end of the world to you, is not always the end of the world to others around.
Mac Miller once said, "When you feel sad, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Everyone has those days when you doubt yourself, and when you feel like everything you do sucks, but then there are those days when you feel like Superman. It's just the balance of the world. I just write to feel better."
Just breathe and you can do it, Mac Miller and I are on your side!
In order to quit saying sorry to others, you must first learn to stop apologizing for being yourself. So, my advice to you is to accept yourself for whom you are and be happy with you.
