Apologies... what do they mean to you? Do you use them as an escape from grief? Do you use them to avoid awkward conversations? Do you use them sincerely?
I do... and I don't.
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Apologies are hard to give, and even harder to say when you don't mean the words you're speaking. Society says you have to apologize for everything you do. We apologize for something wrong we did, the loss of a loved one and for apologizing. The list continues on and on in a downward spiral.
Over the course of my twenty years of life, I've said "I'm sorry" more than I care to admit. I say sorry for words I've said, for the hurt that I've done and for the hurt that's been done to me. Some of these have been genuine and heartfelt, while others were more of a way to ease tension.
Think about it. Almost every day we're faced with situations that we can and cannot control. We use apologies as a way to let others know we care. Why? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm exhausted of using those two words for anything else other than what they're supposed to mean. I keep saying "I'm sorry" when I'm really not. I can't continue to apologize for situations where I shouldn't have to end it with a statement of apology.
Sometimes when people are honest with one another, words come across as hurtful. Why should we have to apologize for honesty? Why do I have to apologize for avoiding a lie? Society has come to think that it's better to lie your way through life than it is to be honest. People who are "too honest" are seen as rude and stand-offish. People who lie too many times can't be trusted. Where is the middle ground? Why should we even have to consider a middle ground between honesty and dishonesty?
There are times that I didn't say sorry and wish I had. There are friendships that I've had that have ended roughly all because I was too afraid to apologize. I want to mend those broken tethers, but there are no words to take back. I want to reach a point where I don't have to feel obligated to say "I'm sorry" and leave a rude impression by not saying it. I want to comfort people who are hurting with more than simple statements, more than generic words. I want an apology to mean something more than an automated response.
Apologies work to save relationships. Oftentimes, they work to mend the hurt. Sometimes, they work to end with closure. How a phrase as simple as two words can leave such an impact I'll never know. Be mindful of what you say, how you say it and if you really mean what you speak. Those words, even if they may be unspoken, might come to haunt you in the future.
