No need for me to herd you into your time machine like a farm herder out of a Hannibal Lecter movie, this show just got wrapped up. And while it is called "Sorry I'm Late" Reviews, "Sorry I'm Late, But Writing Articles A Week Ahead of Time Virtually Guarantees Me To Not Stay With The Times" Reviews doesn't roll off the tongue as easily. Plus, I do have a lot to say about this show in general, so I thought I'd be the Ben Stiller and you'd be my therapist as you carefully think about my definitely warranted opinions.

I'm a casual fan of the first "True Detective" - great acting, great production value- but my mouth wasn't watering like HBO when it hears the words "And There Are Boobs". The writing was its greatest weakness, and Matthew Nakedbongos felt like a megaphone for Nic Pizzolato to shout all of the ideas he thinks makes him sound smart. But Woody Underbite balanced them both out, and it ended up being a good, quick and dual-character study for these two southern hunks who do police things.

But when a new cast and crew was announced for the second season, people grabbed their knives and pitchforks they used just minutes earlier and pointed them at the executives. "That show was perfect and if you don't extend the story beyond its perfect conclusion then we'll cut you!" they shouted. While I sat behind the mob, with a nice little smile on my face. I suppose I was the only one excited about a new cast. With four protagonists instead of two, the pacing could be tighter than the last season, as well as the mob's underpants. Plus, I always thought of Vince Vaughn as a Shakesperean circus clown, he's not bad at anything he does, but it does feel like he was meant for more than funny noises and spending his breaks wondering where his life had gone. I can't say I disliked the other actors either, and I don't think I could take much more of those two's southern twangs for another eight hours anyways.

Without any further adon't, True-er Detective follows Wince Vaughn, Rachel McAdams, Colin Gravel and Taylor Kitsch, an angry white-collar mob boss and three angry cops, respectively. The mayor gets killed, and while Vaughn is trying to fix his big land deal with said mayor that didn't go through, the three cops are tasked with investigating the murder without uncovering all the corruption in the city, so basically don't solve it. So each of them follow leads, drink and beat people up, and stare for a very long time at each other in low-lit interiors.

"What" "In" "The" "@!#?ing" "World" "Is" "Going" "On?" The initial episode titles probably were. Nearly every scene is a mixture of big words and mumbling like it was written and performed by a bunch of angsty teenagers who were required to use at least ten vocabulary words in every scene. It's incredibly hard to follow, characters literally standing in the background become major players in the plotlines to come, and most don't have more than five lines. I had to rewatch all the episodes before the finale just to figure out what the protangstonists were blubbering about. And yes, they eventually solve the murder, but that's not even what they were working toward in the first place. "Well, what were they working towards then?" you ask as I give a response in the form of slowly going cross-eyed.

Even if you're following the investigation perfectly, it's not like they give you a good reason to care. The characters all have the same kind of personalities, hardened, hurt people who hurt others without ever smiling about anything. Plus, when they're not confusing you with the investigation, the three coops are busy retreading their backstories so much you'd think they'd have dug a hole to China with their own shoes by now. Colin Farrell loves his literal red-haired stepchild but loves hitting people more, Taylor Kitsch is gay and troubled by his time in Afghanistan, McAdams was kidnapped and sexually assaulted as a child, and I'm feeling sad because I just spilled my milk. But perhaps the biggest reason it doesn't feel satisfying is that the characters are never onscreen together anyway. And even when they are, they have long silent staring contests with eye-rollingly sad electric guitars behind them.

I only started to care about these characters by the seventh or eight episodes, which is when the characters actually started interacting, so I can say it got better as it went along. But even so, after seeing who made it through and who didn't, I still don't care all that much. Maybe it's because even after all the hubbub about the leads and the corruption ties and the revenge-scheming, it ends and you realize that none of it fucking mattered anyways. It feels like a typical "We Loved Your Passion Project, So What's Next?" syndrome, where good ol' Nicky P rushed to make another product out of obligation more than inspiration. Instead of years and years of preparing and perfecting a buddy-cop Louisiana hoedown, he took twelve months to draw up a conspiracy on a whiteboard and had four angry people look at it then get killed. Great camerawork and aesthetic can only get you so far, and if this show gets renewed for a third season they're gonna need more than badass visuals and ass-bad dialogue to keep it afloat.

Quality: 2.5 / 5

My rating: 3 / 5

Overall: 5.5 / 10