I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, considering how everything went down but that’s okay.

I’ve said some shitty things in my life, and I’ve made some questionable choices but the biggest regret I’ll have forever is letting you walk out of my life. I’ve never met anyone that accepted me for me until I met you.

Five years ago, I met my best friend. Friends come and go, but I think you’ll stick with me forever. We had the kind of friendship people dream of. We were polar opposites and I guess that’s why we got along so well.

You were loud and outgoing, you liked to party, you were the rebel. I was the quiet and content one, I’d much rather sit at home with a book than go out. You brought me out of my shell. You taught me what it’s like to be strong, you taught me to be comfortable in my own skin. We went through so much.

We suffered so much.

I never had anyone that just got me like you did. You’re literally irreplaceable and I know you’ll just overlook this and you probably won’t read it but it makes this ache feel a little better so I’m going to write it anyway.

I get why everything broke down, we just weren’t right for each other’s lives anymore. We changed so much, and I guess we just clashed. But I still remember every single little detail.

I remember your favorite color, your birthday. I remember the names that you’d name your first kids, I remember how many you’d like to have. I remember how you dream of being an artist or a critic.

Maybe even a teacher, I remember how your house was haunted and how many cats you had. I remember every single one of your cousin’s names and all their ages. I remember you telling me your dreams, I remember planning our lives out.

I remember the day in your house, we had no heat and we stayed up all night long, bunched together with the dog to keep warm. I remember your hiding places, I remember the huge spider in your shower, we were both petrified.

I remember being scared to go to the bathroom because we psyched each other out with horror movies. I remember your sister climbing up my back when we watched The Babadook, she was so scared.

I remember camping out in your yard with Brandon and Ronny, we played the Jelly Bean Game and you all kept laughing at me because I kept getting dead fish. I remember getting in your grandma’s hot tub in the dead of winter, without it being warmed up just because I had to go home the next day.

I remember us taking Ronny to the mall for her birthday, she got in trouble by the Mall cop because she was kicking the machine because it stole her money. I remember taking you with us to see Fifty Shades Of Grey when it first came out and my mom was trying to cover our eyes.

I remember trying to punch Dorian in the face because he called you a bitch and I remember you hitting Clarissa because she threw her food on me. I remember you swearing up and down that Braxton was God’s gift to the earth. I remember “Drop the Quarter” and each time we saw one, it was our own inside joke.

I remember your first interview, we had to push you through the door. We sat out in the cold because you didn’t want to be there by yourself. I remember going out with you and Brandon at 3 in the morning because you wanted to catch Pokémon. I remember the first time you met my cousin, you drooled a little.

I remember every single thing, I remember the zoo trips. I remember us sending Ronny to Dairy Mart at 11 pm dressed like a boy, and how we both thought she was going to die and my mom was going to kill us.

I remember staying up all night, listening to you. Just being there.

I remember you crying because you didn’t think you deserved to be loved, you didn’t think you were worth anything and every time I told you not to worry about it because you are.

Everyone deserves to be loved, and everyone deserves someone. This isn’t an apology, it’s me remembering so that I can try and forget. I want to move on with my life, but every day I wake up and find myself wanting to text you. See how you were doing.

I haven’t burnt the pictures yet, I haven’t deleted the videos because sometimes I sit here and I watch them and I wonder what happened to us? We were best friends but everyone grows up and that’s what we did. I don’t regret anything that happened, or how it ended because it gave us both the push we needed to worry about ourselves and continue with our lives.

I leave for college in two weeks and I have to grow up and be an adult. This is me doing that, I don’t want to start a new chapter of my life with regrets. I want to start with a clean slate and enjoy being me.

I hope you have the life you’ve always wanted, and I hope everything works out and I know you don’t believe in God, but that doesn’t stop me from praying for you. Just like that time you did on the ride at the fair, you swore up and down we were going to die.

Live your life, be a reckless 18-year-old. Stop thinking. Do what you want to do, and not what everyone else wants you to.