We all know pain and suffering. Whether it's break-ups, health, death, anything that robs you of joy. We all know how it feels to be hopeless and wondering if life will ever be happy again... Well, my life the past few months has robbed me of joy and happiness. There's a constant storm in my life and it beats me down to no end. Now, I don't like sharing my thoughts and hurts with others- my loved ones especially- because I feel as if I burden them, but this time, I'm sharing my pain with everyone. In fact, as I write this I'm in a great amount of emotional pain... Crying with each word I write.
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Lately, things have NOT gone the way I wanted them to in any way. I've lost friendships I thought would always be there, been reminded of people that are no longer in my life and haven't been for only a year... I've suffered many losses that I don't even want to specify, but the hardest is that I lost myself. The pain was so overwhelming and destructive that I was hardly functioning at all. Getting out of bed in the morning took all my energy alone; so going through the day was so much worse. I was so good at pretending that I was feeling fine... Even my loved ones were fooled. Yet, on the inside I felt dead. Sometimes I wished I was, but not in a suicidal sense, I was just tired of the pain. As a friend and me once joked "I wouldn't jump in front of a train on purpose, but if I was tied on the tracks, I wouldn't necessarily try to escape either". That's the best way to explain the feeling.
There were many nights my depression was so overwhelming, I'd cry myself to sleep without telling a soul about it. The next day, I'd be exhausted and just say "I didn't sleep well". I didn't want to worry anyone about the inward war I was waging. I was waging war on my depression that was constantly pulling me down. My depression was trying to drown me and I was doing all I could to keep my head above the water. I lost interest in things that once brought me joy. Like playing Xbox (those who know me know that this is a REALLY big deal), I didn't want to write poetry or do art. I just wanted to go to class and work and then back to sleep.
As the sorrows piled more and more, and my depression screamed in my head louder and louder, I felt I'd all but lost. Then, I felt a little spark of hope. Hope that at some point things would get better. A little more strength to fight and little more energy to make it through the day. You better believe my depression tried to snuff that little flame of hope right out. By depression, I really mean Satan's lies.
Now I don't know if you believe in God or not, if you think he's the real deal or not, but what I'm about to tell you is as true as the sun and moon. My hope came from the one and only God above. Every time I wanted to give up and throw in the towel, stay in bed and not move, a little whisper would say "one more time. Try one more time" and it would always whisper that everyday. I'd get up and go, barely, but I'd do it. I'd try once more, I'd get out of my bed one more time, I'd try to make it through the day one more time.
My war wasn't me vs. depression. My war was God's love vs. Satan's lies. God says in The Bible "do not worry" 365 times. One for Every. Single. Day. I used to joke with my mom "what about leap year? The 366?" My mom would laugh and say "ok, so one day every four years, you're allowed to worry". God says He is close to the broken hearted and weak in spirit (Pslam 34:18). Need more on hope in sorrow? Job. The entire book of Job is about suffering and God's love. We are to trust God in the storm. As God called Peter into the water and calmed the storm (Matthew 14:22-33), God calls us to step out and trust Him. Tells us "do not fear for I am with you!" He reminds us of his love for us. No power in hell can compare to the left be God has for us. In all this sorrow, God showed himself. I felt alone and beaten down, but God showed himself. The same day I suffered a great loss, was also a day a friend messaged me about a costume she was making. A week before I met new people who are becoming my friends. One in particular showed love towards me when she saw me in the hall all puffy eyed and moping. Her simple "are you ok?" opened a door. She's a great Christian and a loving person. People who I barely knew we showing me love and kindness with hugs and "I hope you feel better soon!" So yes, I am in pain, but it's temporary. God promises that one day the pain will end and we will rejoice with Him. Pain is temporary, God is forever.
