It’s almost time for sorority formal season. This most glorious season where guys are invited to a night of pomp and circumstance with whichever sorority girl deemed them “formal-date material.” For single guys, it’s normally with someone’s friend or pledge sister or any other ridiculous set-up scenario you can think of. For guys like myself who are in relationships, it’s almost a free date night in which you have little to no responsibilities beyond not making your girlfriend cry.

In this medium, I fancy myself as a bit of the male voice in a female domain, so I think it’s about time a couple things are said, if only to clear the air about some concerns us guys have about these nights. Most of these are going to be in the form of thoughts, questions and concerns that rattle around in my head on formal night.

1. Ladies, if you know your formal is, in fact, a “formal” and not a semi-formal, your date needs at least a weeks notice to procure a tuxedo.

Jim Massey’s has mastered the art of mass tuxedo production, but they aren’t miracle workers.

2. How in the name of all that is good and holy can a group of women turn something as simple as taking pictures into an hour and a half affair?

3. Let’s talk for a second about your “pregames.”

The amount of yelling is completely unnecessary. I understand that you’re excited about formal, I really do. But screaming about it isn’t going to make it get here any faster. I promise. Also, This should be the one night where I should at least be fought with about who buys the drinks. I’m a southern gentleman and all, but at least argue with me until you give in and let me buy them anyway.

4. Bus rides. A few things about the bus rides:

1. That cop should have let me sign a waiver before groping me. I promise I don’t have a flask, officer, but at least take me out to dinner first.

2. Screaming in an enclosed space such as a bus is the social equivalent of pooping in your hand.

3. Grouchy bus drivers aren’t going to get any less grouchy if you yell at them to “turn up the music.”

5. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any formal I have ever been to when it comes to the food served there.

Keep up the good work, ladies.

6. “Somebody needs to pull me away from this buffet before I burst.”

7. Let’s talk for a minute about the bar. Bud Light, Miller Lite and the like should never, ever cost more than $4.00, ever.

Mixed drinks made with Evan Williams Green Label and the like should never, ever cost more than $6.50, ever. I’m buying cheap drinks because I can’t afford not to, so placing a 250 percent up-charge on them is not going to end well for the sorority’s bottom line.

8. If you don’t want a bunch of drunken white guys to make fools of themselves, and in turn, make a fool of you, don’t serve them alcohol and then hire a band who is going to play funk music.

Drunken white guys dancing to funk music are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

9. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Good advice for formals, and life in general.

10. Over-indulgence is a fun time killer. Drink responsibly.

11. The bus ride back should be designated nap time, and it should be mandatory.

12. Finally, making plans after formal is downright criminal. I am tired. You are tired. Let the people sleep.