For a long time I had the belief that no one ever understood my feelings and that I was the only one experiencing them. I thought therapies and medications were just something thrown at me to shut me up and get me to stop saying anything about my feelings. However, through certain songs, I have come to believe that others do experience my feelings and that through the power of song, I could come to start feeling better again.
1. Do It Again by Elevation Collective feat. Travis Greene and Kierra Sheard
I found this song and had it on repeat for three straight hours. I sobbed and sobbed and prayed to God that my heart would someday feel peaceful, and through listening to this song I found a certain kind of peace. Because of this song I am still kicking.
"Walking around these walls I thought by now they'd fall. But you have never failed me yet."
2. Ultralight Beam by Kanye West
When I was having a serious panic attack, we were in the chapel of our dorm hall and Danielle, my roommate, turned this song on. As this song was playing, my breathing began calming and for the first time in days, I felt calm enough to both catch my breath and center myself. This song will always hold a special place in my heart.
"Don't have much strength to fight, so I look to the light to make these wrongs turn right, head up high, I look to the Lord."
3. One Man Can Change The World by Big Sean, Kanye West, John Legend
I remember one distinct time listening to this song when I was sitting in the parking lot of my high school, crying for at least twenty minutes with mascara literally all over my face. I walked into school because of this song. This is the song I was listening to the first time I wrote a suicide note and tried running away, very literally. This song was one of our Kairos songs. This song brings tears to my eyes and creates a fire within me that keeps my fight going just a little bit longer.
"If you love yourself just know you'll never be alone."
4. Stand By Me by Ben E. King
My best friend, Danielle, and I always sing this song to each other at the most random times of any day. It means a lot to me because of the simple fact that the song itself is proof that I can never be alone because she's always going to stand by me.
"No I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand by me."
5. The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
This song hurts my heart every single time I hear it. Most nights when my father and brother would get completely inebriated, they would play this song so loud that I could never sleep or think of anything else. They'd think this song was only for them and that since they were the most "victimized" by our life experiences. I listened to this song on my own and heard the words, and I thought it was a sign from God that even though my father was taking this as another thing to hurt me with, God was trying to show me these words to give me hope in the storm.
"You know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in. Live right now, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else."
6. Listen by Beyonce
When I hear this song, I feel reminded once more of the strength and courage that not only I, but many women around the world, have to gather up to face the day. I tell myself that this is the anthem to my life and that if someone were to just listen, everything would be okay again.
"I'm more than what you made of me. I followed the voice you think you gave to me, but now I gotta find my own."
7. Smoke and Mirrors by Demi Lovato
For the longest time I thought that this song was the only one of it's kind that could explain my feelings. Before I heard this song, I thought that I was completely alone in my thoughts and feelings, but after hearing this I knew that wasn't true. Demi has done this many times with her songs, and we are all truly blessed for that.
"So tell me, did you ever really love me? Did you ever really want me?"
8. Made A Way by Travis Greene
For over six months now I've been listening to this song during times of not knowing. I've been listening to this song in times of weakness because I know that calling on God will bring me to moments of strength. Somehow, He always makes a way. Somehow.
"You made a way. When our backs were against the wall and it looked as if it was over. You made a way."
9. By The Grace of God by Katy Perry
I first listened to this song on a CD in my mother's car just days before she attempted to take her own life. Not long after that, I first attempted to take my own as well. I've always felt a strong connection to this song, but I made that connection even stronger when I used it as my second song on Kairos. Listening to this song while everyone was hugging me and sharing their love with me instead of listening to it at my lowest time was something very special.
"By the grace of God, I picked myself back up."
Music has the power to change this world. It has to power to heal. It has the power to change lives.
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