I used to love the holidays. They were exciting, magical, and all around fun. I used to get the biggest thrill from all of the sparkling lights, finding the perfect gift for someone, and eating myself into oblivion. However, as I've grown older, the holidays aren't what they used to be. I've lost the childhood wonder of it all and it bothers me. I don't know why I've become apathetic about the holidays. I'm somewhere between the Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge. Not a money grubbing curmudgeon nor a green recluse atop Mt. Krumpet, yet I can't find the joy in my heart as easily as I once did.
These days, the holidays are more like this: run around to find presents, go online to find presents, work extra hours because my job needs the help, feel obligated to decorate, etc. The holidays are a chore. I don't like chores, I never have but I do them out of obligation. So, in turn, the holidays have become another obligation. I dread this time of year. The weather is getting colder, the daylight is getting shorter, and all of the commercialism is cranked to 11. It's sickening.
Another part of the holidays, the part that matters most, is being with loved ones. My Christmas routine consists of going to my close family friend's house with my mother on Christmas Eve and celebrating. Christmas morning is for my mother and myself followed by my mother going to sleep so she can go to work on Christmas night. Given by Christmas night everything has pretty much winded down and all are asleep or cozy by the fire. However, that's when I feel the worst part of the holiday: the profound loneliness that it brings. I hate it. I hate how quiet my house is on Christmas night. It's just the cat and the dog, the darkness, the quiet, and me. Thinking about it just makes me want to burst into tears. I know, I know, it's only one night but it's an important night.
Now, do I feel like this on all holidays? Maybe. I don't really care about New Year's, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving (never liked it even as a small child), Independence Day, or Easter. They're ok, I guess. Valentine's Day makes me want to vomit. I've never even had a date on Valentine's Day, believe it or not (forever single probs, haha). But I love Halloween, even if all I do is stay at home and hand out candy. I don't get sad, get spooky!
What I'm getting at here is that, around these end of year holidays, for as many people who get joy out of them (as they should) there are just as many who don't get joy out of them. I wish I could be a holly jolly joy-bringer, alas, that is no longer me. For those who love the holidays and want to spread the love, I support you. Go for it! Be happy! For those who can't seem to feel it right now, I understand you. No worries! I feel crappy this time of year too! You can't force someone to be happy when they can't find it for themselves. All I'm asking is for your patience with us "Debbie downers" during the holidays. Believe me, we're trying to find the light and beauty of the holidays. It's just harder for some people to find, that's all.
My questions are there: are there any other 20-somethings who find the holidays to be draining as well? Is it because we "outgrew it"? Or is it because we're too stuck in reality to let go and feel the joy? Or are we simply addicted to our own self-inflicted gloom?
Much love. Take care.
