When you read stories about people in abusive relationships, it's not uncommon to think "How could they possibly stay with that person? It's so obvious they're not being treated right!" I know I'm guilty of thinking that, especially with the more outward forms of physical and sexual abuse, but sometimes what is obvious to the onlooker is completely missed by the person in the relationship. I have found this to be true with emotional abuse, and the main reason why they cannot see what is happening is because they are hopelessly in love.
Once upon a time, a relationship starts. It's a beautiful, happy, amazing time where the world seems a little bit brighter and even the worst day is bearable because someone cares for you. This someone tells you that you are everything they could ever hope for. They say they thought you were something special from the moment they met you. They say how lucky they are that you want to be with them. They say they love you. They say all the right things and you fall head over heels for this person who is absolutely incredible.
Suddenly out of all that magic, something happens and your trust in that person is shaken. You're not sure who or what to believe, but overpowering your thoughts is one simple truth; you love this person and would do absolutely anything for them. They swear they'll do better this time, if only you'd let them. They say they will change. They say they love you. They still say all the right things. So you choose to move past whatever happened and give this person, your person, another chance.
It's different this time. You love them, but because of whatever happened, you're on edge. You wonder if they're doing what they say they're doing when they're not with you. Silence from them is like a vice around your chest, making it impossible to breathe because you don't know where they are or what they're doing and what if they do it again, what if that mistake happens again... But you love them and you want to make it work because those times you've had together were amazing. You think about all the proof of their affections and you feel guilty for questioning that person. You convince yourself that as bad as it feels right now, as scared and hurt as you are, it will get better and it will be worth it in the end. And so you stay.
This cycle is destructive. Sometimes people are able to escape it on their own and after just one shattering of trust, but sometimes people are trapped for a very long time. A friend of mine said that three is the magic number; once you get back with that person for the third time, there is very little chance you will ever leave them, no matter how many times they hurt you. In my experience, the person who is abusive creates a kind of dependency that makes you feel as if you have to be there for them, that if you leave they will completely fall apart. It's difficult to pick up on when you're in the relationship; "You make me the happiest I've ever been" seems like a harmless enough phrase, but after a while you suddenly have the idea in your head that if you leave them, they would be devastated, and you couldn't possibly hurt them that way because you love them. It doesn't matter how many times you've been hurt; they need you and you're happy to comply because they mean everything to you.
That dependency is shot through the roof if there is some form of mental illness involved like anxiety or depression. Instead of simply their happiness resting in your hands, now you feel as if their life is hinged completely on you being in their life, and they use that to their advantage. If you show signs of leaving, they suddenly are more open about their problems. I had a panic attack. I overdosed on my medication. I couldn't go to class today because I was so depressed. It is one thing to suffer from a debilitating illness, which I completely understand and truly empathize with those out there who do, but it is another thing entirely to use that illness as a way to keep someone there. Instead of feeling hurt because your trust was broken by that person, now you live each day terrified that something will happen to them when you're not around, because you love them.
Leaving is one of the most difficult things to do. Once you realize that this person is hurting you more than they are loving you, it's time to get out. It's easier to leave someone you are angry with, or if there is more concrete evidence of their mistakes, but because you still love them it is like ripping away from a part of yourself. You have been making excuses for their behavior for so long that you have preserved their image in your mind. "It's been a really hard month for them, it's not their fault.", "They're still a good person, they've just made some really bad mistakes.", "They've been hurt in the past, they're afraid of committing.", and so on. You keep remembering all the good times that you've had together, and you never want those to end because it all was so wonderful and good. But you push out those memories, take a deep breath, and leave, because somehow someone has shown you that it's no longer good. The promises of change are empty, the declarations of love are an effort to convince you to stay, and the mistakes will continue to be made.
For those of you out there that have been hurt over and over and over by someone who you truly care for, please know that you do not deserve to be treated this way. You have made yourself vulnerable and it has been taken advantage of repeatedly. You are so incredibly strong, because you have endured so much heartbreak and come out the other side every time saying "bring it on!" Please, take the time to take care of yourself and pull yourself out of harm's way; it may be excruciating now, but in the long run, you will be a happier, healthier person for it.
