My friends tell me, that I've been such a fool,

And I have to stand by and take it baby, all for lovin' you.
Drown myself in sorrow, and I look at what you've done.
But nothin' seems to change, the bad times stay the same,
And I can't run.

Sometimes.... I feel, sometimes.... I feel,
Like I been tied.... to the whipping post
Tied.... to the whipping post,
Tied.... to the whipping post,
Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'.

Whippin Post- Allman Brothers Band

Everyone is allowed to have a bad day here and there, right?

Well, my bad day was today. I think I listened to this song five times already. 99.5% of the time, I am positive and happy, maybe a little sarcastic, but I make up for that, by being funny... (or so I'm told)

Today would have been 11 years I was married. Now, I know what some of you are thinking....so what? Well, I was on Facebook earlier this morning, and it all popped up in my News Feed. All the memories, all the feelings. I saw how miserable I was while I was still married, I saw how miserable and depressed I was going through the divorce. Then I saw the happier statuses, where I was celebrating with my friends and having a drink or two (apparently telling my friends THIS IS MY TABLE!). When you start completely over again, with absolutely nothing left to your name, and finally get a kitchen table, you are awfully happy that it is, indeed your table...and no one can take that from you! And maybe you are a little drunk too...

For years now, I've suppressed my feelings towards my divorce. I rarely speak much about it. Today, I decided against that, and posted how I really felt. No matter how hard I try, I cannot just be lackadaisical about certain things. No matter the situation I am in, the honest emotions will always flow out of me, as if a fountain pen that has just burst upon a fresh sheet of paper, staining the sheet, with all of its flawed accidental spilled ink. You just can't get me to shut up. There is absolutely nothing about that I would change. In fact, I embrace it.

Here is what I posted:

"Years have passed by, but I'll always dread this day. I'm happy with who I am, and what I've accomplished this far in my life, and I know looking back everything happens for a reason.

However, there will always be a part of me that remains bitter about this. You see people think divorce is easy, well it's not. When you get a divorce, it's like a death in your family has occurred. You can't just completely forget someone you loved enough to marry, no matter what happened during that time.

Yes, my marriage was not ideal.
Yet, there were some good times, like the birth of my son.
It's not easy to just move on and find someone else, at least, not for me.
I would have been married 11 years today. My parents are still married, and now over 30 years.
I never think about this, except on this day.
I have to go through the motions and the process of healing a bit more for another year.
I'm going to make the most of today and go for a walk and get out and volunteer. For those that don't understand my love of volunteering, it's more than just helping people to me, though I love that aspect too. Volunteering has helped me cope with all of this. It has helped me focus my energy on something productive, useful, and positive. Tomorrow I will be back to me...but today is a little different."

As expected, my friends and some family had commented on it to make sure I was OK, and I am. But as I stated, I needed time today to think.

For the first time since my divorce, I allowed myself to feel it. Feel the pain, the sadness, the hurt, the bitterness. I did not allow myself to self-medicate, by drinking shots of nasty fruity hard liquor, that I secretly couldn't stomach, but I used to do anyway. My friends would make me laugh, and those nights, when i look back on them are rather unforgettable but....Those nights, I went to bed alone, and tipsy. Did I sleep? Absolutely! After all, I was tipsy, but the way I felt the next day was worse than the way I felt today.

Recently, my life has undergone many changes, and most of them were for the better. Getting sick and being told I had blood clots in my lungs was not one of them, but I got through that with the help of my friends and family.

The changes I speak of are much more than I imagined would ever happen when I was married.

I finally got the courage to change and go against the grain.

For years, since I was granted the divorce, I stayed where I was. Why should I change it? I was comfortable! The thing is, just because you are comfortable, doesn't mean it is for your best interest. I was too afraid to put trust in myself, too afraid to believe I could do better.

Yet, here I am, in a new apartment happy and content with my son. The neighborhood we previously lived in was one I have done a lot of volunteer work and grassroots effort in, which made it harder for me to make that decision, but in the end, I know I made the right choice.

Right before the move, I decided to get rid of almost everything we owned and start completely fresh. Looking back on this decision boy am I glad! But, living on the third floor is not always pleasant when you have bags of groceries! Also, the apartment is much smaller, so where would my stuff fit? Who knows?!

After many years of volunteering, and two alone just in my efforts at my community college, I made the conscientious decision after getting sick, to take a couple of steps back, regroup my thoughts and decide what was best for my son and I. In the end, obviously my health won over everything else. And while I miss being as active as I have been on campus, I have to say the break has been nice, and coming home at a normal time is rather amazing.

My grades took a nosedive last semester. I was coming home and going straight to bed without even opening my books. I was so tired that I was out of breath, just getting into bed.

Again, I didn't know at the time that I had the blood clots, but now it makes a lot of sense! Over the summer, I took some time off from work and school. I slept so much; I think I slept enough for the year of life I had missed. I fought to rest. It felt weird, like it wasn't me.

After all, I am Amy (Wonder Woman) and I never stop!

And still, I managed to find a way to write (Thanks, Odyssey!).

All of these changes are good changes. Life has led my son and me down this new path of life, and we have yet to travel through even half of it.

So while I mourn the marriage I had for what it was (when it was good) and ONLY for today...

I embrace these changes with open arms for all they are, and where, and maybe who they will lead me to.

Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination, fascinatin'
Ah, changes are takin'
The pace I'm goin' through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes

Changes - David Bowie