No one knows what it's like. No one understands what its like to be depressed. No one understands what its like to have anxiety. No one understands how much is unknown by the person going through it too. So, I am here to try to explain to those who don't know what its like.
First, its as if there was another voice occupying your head. Constantly speaking lies and hatred against yourself. You think that you are never alone. That someone is always around you at all times. Any time someone asks to speak to you, your mind goes to the VERY worst places first. Anytime you have to get up, its the worst because its like that hatred that every teenager has against getting up early but 10 times worse. Getting out of bed and changing your clothes and brushing your teeth are accomplishments on these days.
Your mind is never quiet. Ever. Music is your best friend because it drowns out your thoughts and it quiets that voice I talked about earlier. Sometimes, you feel pain and you don't even know why. Sometimes you are on top of the world in the morning and in the lowest valley by that night or the next morning. Driving is such a pleasure because you get two of your favorite things at the same time, an easy, but mostly mindless activity paired with music which drowns your thoughts. Some days are jam packed with things to do to distract yourself and other times you literally don't want to do a single thing.
you feel numb. Not always sad. But you just don't feel anything. You just feel, there. Like you are just going around being yourself and just taking up space. Often, you sit quietly and don't speak because the voice in your head is taking up your time. You don't feel like doing anything and the biggest struggle is when your body wants to do something but then your mind shuts it down. These thoughts are so tiring because its hard to keep listening to someone all day long.
sometimes, it can just happen. It doesn't necessarily need a trigger. It also feels as if you are outside of your body. Like you are watching a movie about your life, not actually living. Also, that voice in your head is a soldier that never quits. So every once in awhile you get so tired of fighting that you literally can't anymore. You have to give in and you have to let the voice consume you. Going out with friends is the hardest because most of us just want to sit at home but we end up going and then we put on a fake mask to cover our pain and our struggles so our friends don't worry about us.
positive thoughts and motivational quotes go in one ear and out the next. Im not even joking, I wish I was. Once you are in the pit, it is very hard to get out. Once you realize that you have started slipping back into the pit, its too late. Crying is not always what happens. Sometimes its just silence. Sometimes its tears you can't get to stop. Emotions build up quickly and if you ignore them then they are ten times stronger.
the battle is silent. It is very difficult to put feelings and the battle itself into words. Thats why this is so all over the place. You just want it to stop. You want everything to be quiet and to be calm. But that rarely happens. You want to be with others but you also want to be by yourself. You get more sad when you are by yourself but more tired when you are with others. It gets overwhelming. It gets scary. Your mind can get very dark some nights. You don't share because you're scared. Because what if someone walks away from you, what if someone makes it worse? Who would know how to handle me anyway? What if I keep someone else awake worrying about me?
sometimes you care for yourself mentally and physically, but it doesn't help. The darkness is too strong. Sometimes you don't know why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you really can't put your feelings into words, its just how you feel. Sometimes you can't pin it on anything specific. Sometimes you just need to sit with someone. Not talk but just be. Sometimes its bad, sometimes its bearable. Sometimes you cry for no reason. Sometimes it so hard to see the sun rising or see your hope coming back. Sometimes you don't share because you don't want other people to treat you differently. Sometimes it feels like you can't breath.
sometimes you're scared that your medicine is going to change you. That this will never go away. Sometimes you feel like this will last a lifetime. Sometimes you feel like you won't ever be happy again. Sometimes you feel as if you are on top the world but the next week you are walking through the valley again.
sometimes you just need a hug. Sometimes you just need a text. Sometimes you just need to be with someone else. Sometimes you just need a smile. Sometimes you just need a break. Sometimes you just need some help, and thats okay.
