For those of you who know me already, congratulations. For those of you who don't, there are really only two things that you should know for the sake of this article.

1. I am from Wichita, Kansas.

2. I have an undying love for a little place called "Hurts Donuts."

Seriously, this place is the bomb. If you are a living, breathing human being, you would like it. Honestly, I'm not kidding when I say that this is the happiest place on earth.

If you don't believe me yet, see for yourself.

Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of.

Basically, if you don't like Hurts Donuts, I donut like you (sorry, I had to).

Anyway, I promised you a story about something horrible and here it is. It's a bigger donut tragedy than Ariana Grande's #donutgate. On Cinco de Mayo, a day normally reserved for borderline offensive costumes and getting day drunk on margaritas, a tragedy occurred. While everyone else was going ten rounds with Jose Cuervo at the local "On The Border," something else was going down out in Salina, Kansas.

While I only knew Salina and Wichita to be rivals in high school sports, apparently some real "West Side Story" sh*t has been going on in the donut industry as well. The owner of an unnamed rival donut shop in Salina had previously confronted the owner of Hurts in Wichita, telling the Hurts owner not to sell donuts in Salina anymore and even going so far as to show up at the store (no doubt as an excuse to get a clearly superior Hurts donut) in order to resolve this conflict.

How do we solve problems rationally with people who we don't get along with?

We hit them with our cars.

That's right, what could have been solved in a simple dance battle or bake off was blown way out of proportion. In Salina, Hurts had a cash register and a table set up with donuts, not to mention dozens of customers anxiously waiting, when the owner of this rival donut shop decided that it would be a good idea to literally plow down the competition by driving into it with his car.

Don't you just love it when you're about to buy a donut and you almost become the victim of a hit and run incident?

According to a Wichita news source, nobody was hurt (except maybe the watchers of the Wichita's KWCH by that awful and ill-timed pun) and the police are now looking for the suspect.