All I’ve done lately is wonder why I’ve been placed on this earth. What is the true purpose of my life? These questions have haunted me these past few months. I keep thinking that I’m not doing enough, that I need to be better. I keep telling myself that working forty hours a week and doing nine credit hours of college class isn’t enough. I keep telling myself that I need to work harder and focus more, but i’ve been neglecting to take care of myself.

A few months ago marked my thirty pounds of weight loss. I have always been overweight and it’s something that has caused me a lot of pain physically and emotionally growing up. After losing thirty pounds in two months, I lost motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I was proud of myself, but when school started again, that’s when it started going bad. I started eating unhealthy again. Fast food most days of the week. I wasn’t buying groceries for about a month because all I ate was fast food. I kept telling myself that I was going to stop, but I couldn’t. I can’t. I’m drowning my feelings in fast food. I haven’t been to been to the gym in two months. I keep telling myself to be happy but I can’t seem to convince myself to be.

Work has been stressing me out a lot. Drama going on and people not getting along hurts my heart and makes my anxiety ten times worse. I’m an empath you see, I can feel other people projecting their emotions and I absorb and feel what they feel. When there is tension in the room, I can feel it on my heart and it gives me severe anxiety. Being around that forty hours a week is a little difficult, but I’ve managed this far. I’m thankful that I do love my job and my coworkers very much! Yes, there are some cons, but everything has cons.

I’ve been sad, there’s no doubt about it. People have started to notice the sad in me and it’s hard for me to explain why. I struggle, Lord knows I struggle so much. Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to ever be truly happy. Having a sick dad, growing up in poverty, and always having to work has taken a toll on my mental health. Sometimes I think I am never going to be truly happy. I am extremely thankful for everything I do have, but I’m still not happy and I don’t know why.

I’m scared mostly. Scared of losing my dad. This thought has haunted me for the past few years. He’s really sick and no one truly knows how bad, but us, his family. Growing up without knowing when your last good day will be is really hard. I love him so. I truly am his little girl. I’m just like him. The thought of losing my best friend, crushes me. It’s sometimes so hard to focus on work or school when all I can think about is if my dad is okay at home by himself. Mom goes to work, brother goes to school, and I go to school then work. Living in constant worry, is draining. I’m sad, but I can’t help it.

My life has been a long winding road, but I’m hoping for the best in my future. I’m going to school for a career that I think I will adore. I have a few amazing true friends, and that’s all you need. My dad always says, if you can’t count all your true best friends on one hand, then you have too many. I’m so thankful for my life, and I am hoping that I’ll learn to be happy. I will work on myself and learn to love who I’ve become. Thanks to my wonderful parents, I’m a productive, smart, and hardworking girl and I’m so thankful for what I have

Em