The celebration ended. I took my last 'birthday shot' of tequila with my favorite frat brothers, followed by a lime shoved in my mouth (it helps it go down faster kids). I went home and collapsed in bed. I was messing around on my phone when someone DM'd me nasty things they saw written about me online. I didn't get a twisted knot in my stomach, and my eyes didn't erupt with tears. This time was different. My thumbs twiddled over the keys and in five seconds or less I replied:
"Who cares."
It was in this moment I realized how far 18 had brought me. You're about to read 18 things I learned at this age. And maybe next year you'll read the 19 things I learned, continuing until I hopefully figure everything out.
1. Girls grow up dreaming about getting married and having someone to love them for the rest of their lives. I can admit, the most comforting feeling in the world is knowing that you're loved. Every year, from start to finish, there won't be someone there; we can't be sure. You know who can love you everyday? Yourself. You have to love yourself. You can't give yourself a hug or cuddle yourself when you cry, but you can pick yourself up every time you fall. You can look in the mirror and give yourself confidence even if your lipstick is a little smudged. You can calm yourself down when you make a mistake. Things are so miniscule. You're great. God, you have to love yourself.
2. This year I found myself getting caught in waves of depression. There's days when you wake up in the morning and just waking up sends your spirits low. Instead of continuing getting eaten by the current, I decided to get some help. It is perfectly okay to ask for help. I used to see the world in black and white. The day started when I got out of bed at noon and the day ended when I crawled back into bed at 7. Now, I still sleep just as much, but I am genuinely loving being alive.
3. When he texts you goodbye and doesn't add a pink or red heart emoticon it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. There are so many different ways to say I love you.Drive safely, I want you to be happy, have a safe flight, you can tell me anything, don't cry, take my jacket it's cold outside, i believe in you, call me when you get home.
4. Alcohol fixes nothing. In fact, alcohol breaks a window and gets your friends kicked out of the party. There's gonna be a night when your friends cancel a 'girls night in' as you're getting in the car. You're going to go back to your room and chug a bottle of red wine looking for an answer at the bottom of the glass. You won't find it. You'll be drunk and call them. You'll say things you won't mean. Wash off your makeup and go to sleep. Apologize in the morning.
5. This year I've come to terms with the words I use when I'm angry. There have been mornings I've woken up and read my texts and have been brought to tears. When you're angry and worked up, you go to the extremes. Being conscious of how you act when you're angry will go a long way. You're going to freak the f**** out way more than necessary when he forgets your five week anniversary. You'll call him things he doesn't deserve. Boys have feelings too. We often forget this and it's them that take the heat of our temperament the most, and sometimes the heat of our fists when we go too far. Apologize and comfort them as you would your mother.
6. Wasting your time hating on someone isn’t worth it. What are you gaining by making someone miserable? When we, as teens, are angry at someone, we take it to social media. I admit that I’ve fallen into that trap myself and I'm not proud. I've posted things with witty captions hinted directly at someone waiting for them to see it. Now, when I see others doing the same thing, I don't look at the caption at all; I look at who posted it. It opens my eyes to how pathetic and petty it makes them look, and I regret ever looking like that online.
7. There are going to be awful nights. Whether your boyfriend breaks up with you, relative passes, or a friend lets you down, these are going to be those nights. The second you walk in to your bathroom you'll collapse to your knees. Your mascara will drip onto the white tile and your lipstick will stain it pink. You'll be crying your eyes out but quietly enough to hear your phone; praying to hear their voices. Clean your bathroom floor. Your bathroom floor has seen some sadder nights than a funeral parlor. The next morning the sun will rise and so will you.
8. A new guy is going to talk to you in person rather than texting you later that night. This new guy will walk you to your door rather than dropping you off slightly close to your driveway and speeding away before you're inside. The new guy isn't like your past with 'bad boys'. You say you'll miss the light from his cigar, and spontaneously skinny dipping in the ocean. You'll want to end it because it's different and you feel anxious. Letting yourself get treated better isn't something to be anxious about. Choose him.
9. This year, and it wasn't until much recently did I realize that I get taken advantage of. I have a rule that I won't let any of my friends drive behind the wheel intoxicated; if this was the case I would call them an uber before you could count to three. Nights I'll get phone calls begging for a ride home across campus, or an uber back from the mall near my school. I ask people if there is anything they need me to do for them, and somehow ten minutes later i'm folding a frat boys laundry.
10. One of the worst feelings in the world is not feeling appreciated back. You can go above and beyond for your friends birthday, and when yours comes around they may forget it or write a cheesy line on your Facebook page. I used to think this was cruel and just girls being caddy. But, you're not going to be everyones best friend and vice versa. Just because you put someone first doesn’t mean they do the same. This is not your fault nor theirs. If posting on your wall is what they deem appropriate, so be it. Your heart will break when you think someone you saw as as a best friend disagrees with you. You cannot be angry that someone doesn't like you as much as you like them, but you can be sad. It is no ones fault.
11. People say self harm is dragging blades across your skin. Or people think it's holding a lighter to your arm so it burns for a few seconds before you pull it back. We walk the halls scanning people's wrists which is only a fraction of the problem. Self harm comes in many different forms. Self harm is the extra shot of vodka that you know it takes you to black out. Self harm is staying with someone who is destroying you bit by bit. Self harm doesn't have to be burns or cuts, it can be depressive actions you do to just get by. Broaden your vision beyond people's wrists in the hall.
12. At 10:00 my alarm goes off. At 10:00 I hit snooze. My alarm goes off again at 10:05 and I struggle to start my day. At 10:20 i'm dressed with my teeth brushed and sit down at my desk to start my makeup. My phone is blowing up with people asking 'what's due in class today?' I don't have time to answer, I wouldn't be caught dead without a black line across my upper lid. Before heading to class I check myself in the mirror. I shine my flashlight on my neck to see if it matches my foundation. I try so hard to not mess up my eyebrows while I fix my hair and head out the door. You don't have to try to be pretty. Thinking of how much sleep I would get, and how much money I would have saved, if I ditched makeup is scary. Being pretty means not spreading drama, talking behind someone's back. Being pretty is being a good role model for your younger sister. Being pretty has nothing to do with 50$ eyeshadow pallets.
13. Girls, it's time to stop logging onto your ex's Facebook page; it won't take long before you find something you didn't want to see.You'll find yourself zooming into the background of his family's Thanksgiving dinner to see if his best friend on Snapchat came for the holiday. You'll go through his Twitter likes and see he favorited a tweet like "No one likes a clingy girlfriend" from one of those "OnlyForBros" accounts. It'll make the knot in your stomach pull a little tighter, but it is entirely your fault. You shouldn't be checking up on people who aren't checking up on you. It is nothing but toxic behavior.
14. Failing a test is going to feel like the world just crashed down around you. When your boyfriend thinks you're "better off as friends" it's going to feel like all the air was ripped from your lungs.Things aren't as bad as they seem. You're going to think your life is over. This isn't it. You have nights where you'll stay up laughing with your friends till you can't breathe, you have your best friend's wedding you promised to walk in. Take a deep breathe; things aren't so bad.
15. You are going to kiss people you whose names you won't remember in the morning, and you'll regret sharing an intimate moment with someone you may never see again. You'll do something for the first time and not like it, you'll see him again. Your first anything can be with every new person. Even if you've kissed thirty people, the first time you kiss that girl you've been into should be as nerve-wracking as your half peck back in middle school.
16. The old Disney Princess movies do not apply to frat parties. In Cinderella's story, Cinderella couldn't even leave the castle dressed in her work clothes if she wanted any attention. She got the full treatment and transformed into a beauty queen; face full of makeup, glamorous dress, and exquisite shoes. That's the only way she could go find her Prince Charming. Girls, you don't need to change yourself to get attention. Roll up to the ball in your work attire or whatever makes you feel the best. If he says he can't be your Prince if you look like that, tell him he can't be your Prince if he acts like that.
17. You know that really frustrating feeling when you end an argument and ten seconds later you think of the best come-backs? This is the same thing, except instead of feeling frustrated you feel guilty. You’ll be caught up in things you wish you had said. Before he left you, you'll wish you told him that you deserved more and he doesn't get to decide that he didn't hurt you. But, get this: You won't have any regrets if you say exactly what you're feeling. You are entitled to feel sad still, but you won't want to text him after what he thought was the final goodbye with "oh yeah, and one more thing.."
18. The biggest thing I learned this year is that I am not a burden. I used to sit in a classroom and feel bad for the student that could have my chair. When I sat in groups with my friends I was itching to leave early so they could finally have a good time. I have come to understand that my presence is not a burden to anyone. I'm funny, caring, sometimes too sarcastic, but I am not extra cargo people have to drag along.
If you've made it this far, thank you for letting me open up a year of my life to you. Cheers to many many more.
