With the recent boycotts and disputes about bathrooms, I have come up with a plan that will help alleviate any anxieties: BathroomBiz, bathrooms made to fit you.
Already, they have tapped into your phones to look at your text messages and search histories to see the things you like to buy. They have also assessed your pictures and they know your birthday, just for fun. An invasion of privacy, you may say. Well, maybe you should read the terms and conditions once in awhile.
From your personal information, they will develop custom bathrooms for a variety of customers. Upon entry into one of the facilities, you will be greeted by a bathroom consultant. They will then take you into a holding chamber where you will fill out some paperwork (just for fun, they'll already know everything about you!) and then you will be taken to the installation services where your very own microchip will be installed!
This microchip (installed at the tip of your middle finger) will sync with your body to give the exact time that you’ll have to go and the type of bathroom that you should use. Once we activate the chip and do a few tests, your information will be put into the system and you will be free to shop!
When it is your time to use the bathroom, your microchip will give you one small shock of a million volts. Don’t forget to sign your waiver forms!
Once your enter the BathroomBiz facility, your personal bathroom consultant will ask you to hold up your middle finger so that it can be scanned, just to double check we get you to the right bathroom. Once that is done, you are free to use the bathroom.
Since everyone's safety is the main concern, there will be only one person per bathroom with a two minute time limit per person per bathroom to ensure things run as smoothly and efficiently as possible. Also, for your protection and to make sure we stay on schedule, each bathroom will have its own bathroom guard that will monitor all of your bathroom business!
Once your two minutes is up, they will hold up their middle finger to indicate to you that your time is up and ask you to exit. If you go way over time, other costumers may angrily hold their middle fingers up at you to indicate that you went over time.
There will be no entering bathrooms that do not fit what is synced to your body. Your microchips will be able to sense when you are out of bounds and it may give you a small shock of a million volts until you have reentered your assigned boundaries.
There will be no line cutting. We know that these bathrooms will fill up quick, that’s why we have that two minute time limit. So we ask that you please be patient with us. Failure to do so may result in a small shock of a million volts.
Also, there will be no entry into our BathroomBiz facility without prior paper work and microchip installation.
I assure you that this system will be the best option for public bathroom usage. This way everyone will feel safe and protected while using they do their business in as much privacy as they can get.
If you’re wondering how I came up with this wonderful system -- think back about about 60 years and, yep -- you guessed it! This is modeled after the segregated south. Since it worked so well for back then, then I'm sure it will for us!
Satirically yours,
Jalen.
