The Emmy’s are always interesting to watch, especially the opening red carpet with the interviewers hounding everyone about their dresses, how long it took to get ready, what the night means to them, if they’re excited, etc. Unless, of course, you show up with your BFF in tow as opposed to a “real” date, which sparks a whole new set of questions… as Ariel Winter learned the hard way. For those that weren’t watching, Ariel had posted on Twitter about being “Single AF” and, although celebrities shouldn’t be caught off guard when tweets are spotlighted, Jason Kennedy not only called her out on her tweet, but brought up how she had her friend as a date, and then asked the golden question, “So what’s the problem?”
What’s the problem with what, Jason? Since when does being single mean there’s a problem?
As a leader for junior high girls, as well as a single female, I find it concerning when the media consistently treats singleness as a problem needing to be solved. It seems that wherever we turn there’s something in a magazine, on TV, in a book, or a website that gives advice on How to Get a Boyfriend, 10 Tips on Treating Your Man Right, Lose 5 pounds in a day! Get the homecoming date of your dreams!
I don’t think many people feel anxiety about finding someone in this day and age, but when you constantly have the idea that something is wrong with you--that you’re too fat, too loud, that nobody will want you unless you change--THAT seems to fuel all the anxiety. Where are the positive reinforcements telling us that singleness can also bring contentment and happiness? Or, that investing energy into knowledge and friendships can be much more rewarding and valuable than chasing down a date for Friday?
One of the reasons there’s a lack of positive reinforcement for singleness is that it’s not exactly looked upon as a positive trait. Granted, the olden days of marrying in your early 20’s and getting those babies popped out before your eggs start dying are long gone (special thanks to advancements in conception methods); however, the stigma of single female-ness by a certain age (and for some males too) still lingers. For example, look at 90% of Disney princesses. What do their stories end with? Marriage. And, what about those fictional women who don’t get married? They end up dancing with their unused wedding dress around moldy cake or wearing the promiscuous red letter… yeah…sounds great. We are surrounded by stories of women whose lives did not start until they got married, met “the one,” or had children while we have a shortage of stories about those who did not marry, but who are still happy and successful. Simone de Beauvoir observed that “real life women, by definition, are married or have been, or plan to be, or suffer from not being.” So… that’s encouraging. You’ll also find that some people don’t know how to respond to happy single people because the concept has become so foreign to them. Relatives ask me if I have a boyfriend yet about as often as Netflix asks me if I’m still watching. Coincidence? Meh.
In fact... here’s my favorite ones so far:
“How are you single?”
“How long has that been for?”
“Did one ruin them all for you?”
“What, did you scare them off?”
“Well, you’ll never find a man if you do that.” (this is usually in regard to what I’m eating, how I’m eating, or using sarcasm as a romantic ploy)
Ladies and gentlemen, we need to be more aware of how we respond to people about their relationship status. But, we also need to be more aware that no matter if you are single or taken, you can still have a good life and nice things. When I bought a car off my dad a few years ago, he made the comment that the next car I would get would probably be bought by my husband. It made sense; I was 24 at the time, starting a new job, and had just gotten sober--it was clear my life was turning around, and I was finally figuring out the ‘adulting’ thing. As all Hallmark stories foretell with everything falling into place, I would find a mate. Except, I didn’t. In fact, last month I bought a new car. By myself. With my own dang money. And I have never felt more proud and self-sufficient than when I was signing the papers and taking the keys.
I think the only problem with being single is waiting around for a person to jump start your life--there is so much to see in the world, why hold off on it all only to combine your dreams with someone else’s? Start working toward your own goals today. Take that trip. Go after that job. Instead of seeing yourself as the constant third wheel in a coupled world, see beyond all of that and recognize that on the single’s team there is still a lot of love, late nights, late mornings, travel, accomplishments, and good times to have. And, if there ever were a time to embrace your singlehood in this world, now is the time. Even politics are showing that we have more of a say than ever before in our vote! We have a say in this world!
If you have made it this far, hear me out. I am not an anti-man bra-burning feminist screaming, “Down with the patriarchy!” In fact, I’m open to the idea of one day finding someone who wants to spend their life with me (may God have mercy on their poor soul…) But, it needs to be brought to light that there should be no problem if someone is single and content with their life. This world makes this concept confusing as it encourages you to make something of yourself, to work hard and leave a mark--but then once you fight to be successful and establish yourself you are then asked, “What? No husband? No kids?” As if all that just falls off the marriage tree and kids appear out of nowhere. Finding a person we want to marry, or move in with, or go on vacation with, or split bills with--they don’t just appear. It has to be the right person under the right circumstances at the right time, and I will refuse to settle with a not-quite-right relationship just so I can meet society’s traditional views on the matter. I shouldn’t have to settle with a dud just to be respected more or given better opportunities (shout out to those single women in the church, am I right?!). If we continue to force single people to believe that they are meaningless without a significant other and that there is a problem with them for being single, then we cannot be surprised when they go jumping off into the hook-up culture and entering into relationships, marriages, and parenthood before they are ready.
You can still leave your mark on this world without being married and/or having children--it’s just rarely acknowledged. Every person is different and we need to embrace it; some of us would rather live on our own while others want to live with others; some want to be married and some do not; some want kids, some do not. We are all different, and that is okay as long as we are working on being content in our lives, and I truly believe that you have to be happy and content with yourself before you can be with someone else.
Personally, I love my singleness. If I was married right now it would probably be awful as I go through 14 hour days. If the way I take care of my cat translated over to the way I’d take care of my child, I would be charged with neglect. Dating seems exhausting as I would rather spend what precious free time I have with those I love--the people I’ve known for years. I may be single, but I have plenty of love in my life because of friends, family, and colleagues, I’m able to move at a moment’s notice if need be, and if I want to buy the cute dress with pockets, I’m going to buy it without having to face guilt or justification later because I’ve got my own bank account!
There is no problem with being single--there is problem with the stigma we continue to place on it. Let’s all live our lives to their fullest and do so in a way that encourages others, loves others, and makes the world a bit brighter… no matter if we have a significant other or not.
